Friday, November 16, 2007

Last and *FINAL* beta #!

So, my beta yesterday - one week from last one was


They said I didn't need to go back! (duh) I'm SO happy this is OVER! I'm still amazed how long it has taken me to get back to zero, and how SLOW the last couple have gone down. It went down SO fast in the beginning, but then again - I was bleeding pretty hard after the m/c, and only spotting really since, so I can kind of see why/how.

They reminded me "make sure to use back-up b/c until you have one normal period" And also told me what I already know is that you won't get your period until your beta is 0. So, now I guess I wait. Wait for A/F to start. That should be fun times, eh? So, I'm happy. At least this part is over, and really I have next to no hcg left in me. Weird...

Well, I don't know what else to say. This has been a looooong journey, and a painful one at that. I'll probably be closing this part of my blog, and just leaving it here for others to read. Unless I have something important to add here, I'll be posting on my other one - I just have to get it up and running. I want to thank everyone who emailed me with words of encouragement, and support. Going through this for the first time was awful and I was so lost. Thank you!


Monday, November 12, 2007

October 13th - November 13th. One month since m/c.

So tonight I was getting ready to get into the tub, I went to the restroom, got up, was standing near the tub, when I felt a lump or something come out. Ugh..
I put my hand down there and ANOTHER PIECE OF placenta came out!
It was brown, didn't feel like much coming out. It was about almost 2 inches long, and maybe a half of an inch wide. Not too big, but looked just like the rest I m/c a month ago (tomorrow) Had veins in it, was firm. Eww... Strange.... Very, very strange! Maybe it was stuck in my cervix? Maybe it was at the bottom of my uterus? Who freaking knows...

I've been spotting still. Going from brown to red, always enough to wear a pad. ~~sigh~~ A pad now for a month. Sucks!
I can't believe it's been a month since I lost my baby. It's sad really, sad to think how far along I'd be now, just a couple more weeks - I'd be able to find out the sex. I'd be showing, rubbing my belly and just being a giddy happy, cute pregnant woman. But now. Here I am.

I will still say, I'm glad I m/c at home. Even tonight, looking at that poc that came out of me, thinking how lucky I was to be able to see what was inside of me, knowing that I was going to let he/she come out of me the way it was intended to. I know not everyone can have a natural m/c, but I'm SO glad I did. I really would not have done the m/c differently.
It's just the after stuff that stinks so bad. The month long bleeding, the wondering when AF is coming, the TTC thoughts. All of that stinks.

A month.

Time goes fast - yet so slowly. I know that doesn't make sense to some, but for me the term fits perfectly.
I think I'll go to the Dr. on Wed to get my last freaking beta. (until I'm pg again)
I bought a book last night. It's called "Preventing Miscarriage" By, Jonathan Scher MD. Should be a good read. I just want to take ALL the precautions to prevent this crap from ever happening again.

I'm going to be thankful this thanksgiving. I'm SO thankful for my wonderful family whom I adore more than anything. I know they all don't fully understand the impact on me, and my m/c, but they've been there as best as they can. For that I'm thankful.

I'm going to get into the holidays. I can't wait to start decorating and being happy. I just want to be happy.

Love you guys!

Friday, November 9, 2007

Ring.... ring...

So the Dr. calls me, says that they *DO* want to "follow my beta to zero" UGH! I was like "Why do I have to?"
I just don't understand why I need to go in AGAIN............. CLEARLY my levels are dropping, and going down and are ALMOST negative. Whatever.
She said that if I didn't I'd be "going against what they recommend" UGH....

I don't know what I'm going to do. I might go back, I might not. I mean, no - the needle doesn't even hurt in my arm anymore, but it's such an inconvenience. Go drive to the stupid Kaiser building, go in, put my card in the slot, wait for them to get to me, (usually the girls are talking about what they did last night, bla bla bla) Finally I go in, I have to tell them where to draw it, because it's the best spot, and then call in the AM for results. Actually I don't HAVE to call, I just do because I want to know.
So. Maybe. Just maybe I'll go in and have it done ONE LAST FREAKING time, when I don't even know why they insist. Whatever....

So, I'm crampy and AGAIN the bleeding has picked up. Ya'know, I'm not even going to bother posting "Ya, my bleeding has stopped" because as soon as I do, it speeds up again.
Maybe my levels are taking forever to go down because I'm not bleeding that much, I've basically just been spotting for about 3 weeks, I think I only bled heavy for about a week and a half after the m/c. Now, my spotting has been real spotting, the kind that needs a pad, not just the wiping kind.
IT's weird though, I do have cramps, and that isn't something I've really had since week 1post m/c.

Oh well... hum de hum. Sit and wait. I know they'll be negative next week, and I suppose I'll entertain the idea of pleasing them to follow me to zero. I'm pretty sure they have my best interest at heart. Ok, maybe not their heart, but their records. lol

What a freaking experience this has been. I wonder what day I should go in. I did my beta on this Thursday (yesterday) Should I go in on Tuesday, or Wed, or Thurs? Ahhh... I don't know. I'll figure it out, and maybe if I'm driving by the stupid bldg I'll go in. We'll see.

That's all folks. I'll post later!


Beta results!

It's SIX.

Yup. *6*

Sooooo, talking to my Dr's office, she said "Some Dr's want you to come in until zero, some until 5 and under."

Well, it's 6 and I am NOT going back. I told them. I even asked my Dr., if I had to go back if it was 4 and she said no, so I really don't see the need with a beta of 6. I mean come ON. WTF is the point? They've gone down so good since, and we're not having un-protected sex, so I really don't see any need. I'm pretty sure it'll be 0 next week.
Ya, not goin' back. She said she didn't blame me really. But I told her, I didn't see a need! So, the bleeding I had the past couple of days has slowed down (again) and just back to light spotting. Maybe - just maybe I'll stop bleeding soon. You know, I'd LOVE a break in between this and my next AF, because from what I hear, that'll be heavy and yucky too -- ya - fun, fun stuff.

Well, that's it. A beta of 6, just about 4 weeks since my m/c. It's weird how SLLLLLOOOOWWW the last of it leaves you! I mean, we jumped from 251 to 73 in a week! Yet, I've only gone down 10pts since last week. GEEZ! Again, don't know why I'm annoyed. I think more than anything, I know you can't get your next period until your beta is a big fat goose egg, and that is probably what is annoying me. Do you know, my last AF was 7-7-07? FOUR months ago!
I just want to move on, be normal (hahaha) and be done. If anything "good" is coming from this, it's got to be the fact that everything is cleaning out, or I can only hope. I've passed so much tissue, blood, spotting. Maybe my lining will be a nice comfy place for a baby next time? Maybe?

Well, until next time, Ladies (and gents?)

Wednesday, November 7, 2007

Going tomorrow for beta number (who knows)

I don't even know anymore, and I'm not going to keep track. I will say though, I don't think I'll be going back after this one. I don't even know why they have you keep going if you've been going, and it's going down, and you're near 20-30. I mean, come ON!
I. Am. Still. BLEEDING! I'm actually wondering if my period is starting now? My bleeding today has picked up, and I'm sort of crampy. I don't know how I'll know. Didn't I say in an earlier post, that I could handle the bleeding? Well, I'm officially DONE with it. (mentally)

Thinking about TTC again. I think I'm going to add-a-blog to my profile for ttc and thoughts and stuff. This place has been a blessing for me to vent and have my story here. I'm so glad I did this.
This weekend will be FOUR weeks post m/c. !

I've been reading a lot of positive stories on getting pregnant after m/c, and that is nice to read. I LOVE hearing my buddies getting a BFP!
Well, that is it for today. I'll post with my final beta. I don't care if it's TEN. I'm not going back. I just don't see the point. I've followed it from 52k to 51k to 251 to 73 to 17. (I think that's right) So obviously it's gone down, and I just don't see the need to go back after this one, to follow it ALL the way to zero. If I'm lucky, it'll be zero tomorrow, but as the nurse said "two more weeks" Eh.. wtf does she know? LOL!!

:D Love you all!

Sunday, November 4, 2007

3 weeks, 1 day since M/C

And I'm STILL spotting. Yes, still.
Have I said how sick I am of wearing pads? I think I can wear a tampon now, actually. But, I'm just going to stay with my pad wearing, just to finish them off. I think I've gone through like 5 or 6 pkgs of pads. Amazing....
Now, to top it all off, I have a freaking cold.

Well, I wonder what my beta will be this week. It's like a mystery game or something, kind of exciting at this point to go in, wonder what it'll be, and then get the #. I really think it'll be almost zero this week. I mean, I can't imagine it going on too much longer.
OH well, that's it for today.

Thursday, November 1, 2007

Beta results!



Didn't I say it might be near that? Whatever. I don't even know why I'm so anxious for this level to be zero, I mean, I know I'm not pregnant anymore, and I'm not sure why it even matters.
The nurse on the phone said "With a beta of 17, I'd expect on a couple more weeks before it's zero"
Uh, ok. Fine. In fact, 2 more weeks would put me near when AF is due, and from things I've read, you need to have a beta of 0 to have AF, so maybe that makes sense? Who knows.
It'll probably be something like 6 next week, and frankly I don't even know if I'll go back after that. I mean, seriously. I'm sick of seeing the people at the lab, I'm sick of having the same place on my arm stabbed. I'm sick of wearing pads. I'm sick of it all!!

DH and I were talking about HOW LONG this whole thing has been. It's taken SO much time from my dang LIFE! It's so true. I guess I can't do anything anyway, with the whole TTC thing until AF comes anyway, but it's still annoying. I just wish I was at a big fat goose egg -- again, it's weird wishing my beta was zero.
Oh well. Hurry up and wait... all the time.

Wednesday, October 31, 2007

Good website.

This is a GREAT website, with tons of info.

Actually, this is a great page for me now. Pretty much describes me to a *T* now. Especially the spotting section.

Interesting stuff. I'm just here googling "When can I expect a period after a miscarriage"

Anyway, I'll post in the AM.


Ok - waiting for next beta results!

I went in today at 2:30 for my next hcg level. My goodness, I sure hope it's ZERO, but I'm not holding on to too much hope. I realize it could still be 20, or 15, or something like that. But, it would be fantastic if it was zero! I'm STILL freaking spotting. It goes from dark brown, almost black - to red, to strings and floaties in the toilet water. It so gross, and I swear! I'm SICK of wearing PADS! OMG! I don't know how women do this every month. I'm ready to lose it, but at least I do have a good "thin" brand, but still. I just feel dirty.
I'll find out in the morning what my level is. I'm REALLY anxious for it.
Wondering when Aunt-flo is going to show her lovely face. I've heard anywhere from 4-8 weeks from the m/c Who knows. I have to wonder if I'll be spotting all the way until my next period! I want my uterus cleaned out! I feel like douching, but I know that is a no-no. I wouldn't do it, but I just feel internally gross. I've been wearing pads now for almost 3 weeks, with blood pretty much every time I wipe, so I just feel a little yucky at this point.

Oh well. Here we go, waiting to see next beta tomorrow. ack!!!
I'll post then,

Sunday, October 28, 2007

Over 2 weeks since my m/c

Today the spotting finally seems to be stopping. It's very light. For the past few days it's been coming out dark brown, with little tiny bits of tissue. Today seems to be tapering off. Finally!
It's hard to believe that it's been 2 weeks since the m/c. I know in a couple more weeks I'm going to be most likely having a heavy period, and that I'm sure will bug me. The fact that it'll be a reminder of the whole m/c, and not being pregnant -- but then again, It'll be a fresh start, and clean out my uterus.
Other than that -- things are good. I'm really hoping this weeks beta is NEGATIVE! I don't want any hcg left in my body. I want it all gone.

I've been thinking a lot about what to do with my blog. I'd like to start a journal, of ttc, thoughts, everything. But I'd also like to leave this one up for people going through the hell I did. I'm not sure what to do? Any thoughts? This blog is such a resource for those going through a m/c, and I don't want to bury it with everything else, then again - they'd just have to go back.
Hmmm.. Not sure. I'll have to think about that one. Might add a new blog to my user name, and those who want to read up on me can do so.

A lot of time I have the whole "Why did this happen to me" thoughts. It still blows my mind that I had a miscarriage, even though I know how extremely common it is. Other than the typical sad emotions of losing a baby, the entire process was very surreal and very involved.

Well, I'm off to the pumpkin patch today.

Thursday, October 25, 2007

Beta results!


Woo hoo - it's gone down a lot again! I'm so happy! Hopefully the one next week will be NEGATIVE! (or pretty damn close)

Geez, who would've thought I'd be happy about a falling beta #? But I'm pleased that in a week they went from 251 to 73!!



Wednesday, October 24, 2007

11 days past m/c

Well, today is Wednesday. 11 days past my miscarriage. I'm still having dark brown/some red spotting, but not much of a heavy flow anymore.
I went in today at 2pm for my next beta draw. I'll find out tomorrow morning what that # is. I hope that it's lower than 251! I don't know what to expect in terms of how fast it's going to go down or what, because I went 3.5 weeks without one, and it went from 51K to 251, I never went in right before the m/c, so I just don't know how fast it actually went down or what? I'm kind of anxious to see how low it is. Wouldn't that be cool if it was like negative NOW? lol I'm wishful thinking I think. I seriously doubt it's even under 50, but you never know. It seems like it takes so long for that dang number to go down from what I've read. Who knows.....

I'm also wondering when I can expect my next period. That's a big question mark too. I know it could be 4 weeks, but from when? When I stop bleeding all the way, or from the m/c? I've heard to count the start of the actual m/c a period, because essentially that's what it is, right? So, maybe it's 4 weeks from that date? Oh well, another wait and see I suppose.

I'd like to again reiterate, that I am GLAD I did my m/c this way. I would do it this way again if I had to (please no) The waiting wasn't pleasant, but it was easier on me I think. Though I have no clue about the d&c as I've never had one, nor would I want to have one. But I can honestly say that this experience of the actual m/c -- while it sucked, it wasn't as bad as some things I've read. There just is NO easy way to do this, no easy choice to make. We make what feels right at the time, and we have to live with it. I'm glad it's over and I'm ready to move on with this, just have to 1) get my beta under 5, and 2) get my period. I think after those two things I'll consider this all behind me.

I'll post when I get my #'s.

Monday, October 22, 2007

Monday morning - 9 days past m/c

I'm light bleeding/spotting brown now. But know not to trust that and put on a panti-liner. I made that mistake last week and mid-day started bleeding pretty heavy.
Still thinking about TTC again, and if I'm going to go through with it. It's not an easy choice to make, though I'd love to be pregnant again -- I just can't imagine the paranoia in the 1st trimester next time.

Oh also, I was reviewing my paperwork from last Thursday, and it says "COMPLETE ABORTION - Primary" - Yes, in caps, and yes those harsh words!
So, apparently, ladies -- I had a complete abortion. [insert puke icon] I know they have to use proper medical terms, but when you've suffered infertility, AND a devastating miscarriage, those really aren't they right choice of words. Goodness... Horrible!


I think I'm going to go Wednesday to have my beta drawn again. I hope it's gone down a lot!

My heart goes out to any of you who are reading this, and who have been given a recent m/c diagnosis. It's such a hard time, but it does get better.

The picture in my title is from the roses DH gave me for our anniversary, aren't they gorgeous?


Saturday, October 20, 2007

One week ago...

One week ago today I was having a m/c. What a horrible day that was, but I was glad to know that it finally was here.
Last night DH and I went out to a movie and dinner. We saw, 30 days of night. OMG, what a freaky movie!!

I was having a lot of cramps in the movie theater, and I've been cramping a lot all day and went to the restroom after the movie and went to sit down and just a HUGE gush of blood came out, just like a water faucet. I know I have a lot to bleed still as I have a lot in my uterus, but it was a LOT! Today I don't seem to have much bleeding, it's very light. I have to go take my next HCG this week, and I just hope my level is dropping!!

Another tip, when you think you're almost done bleeding for a day, don't put on a lighter pad! I made that mistake the other day, thinking that "wow, I haven't bled much today" so I put on a regular sized pad, and ended up leaking through it and being pretty bloody later that day. So, lesson learned for me. Just because it seems light -- you have to be for sure, because this picks up and lightens up - over and over.

Wow -- a week ago. So hard to believe. My Dr. gave me the "ok" on having relations again with DH, as long as it's protected. I think we have some condoms but they're like 5 years old or something. LOL! Dh has to go shopping. Another thing I notice, is I seem to be having a lot of headaches lately. I have to wonder if that is because of my hormone levels dropping so fast after m/c.
Well that's it for today. I think I might actually try to relax this weekend. It's suppose to be very cold here tomorrow, and I think beef stew in the crock might be just what the Dr. ordered!


Thursday, October 18, 2007

Why did I DO that?

So for some unknown reason, I went to the website I used to post at during the pregnancy. I saw all kinds of user names I remembered, TONS of posts like "I'm 13 weeks today!", or "New ultrasound photo of my baby at 13w1d!"

I must be asking for punishment. I swear I do the STUPIDEST things ever. How sad. I should be freaking 13 weeks 4 days now. But nooooo, I have a bloody empty uterus now. What a shitty pay off. I'm so pissed at myself for going to that site. I even CLICKED ON belly pictures!!!!!
Let this be a lesson, ladies. Do NOT - under any circumstances visit the pregnancy bulletin board you posted at when you were pregnant. BIG freaking mistake.

I. Am. An. Idiot.


Uterus is CLEAR!

Well, I had my big follow up u/s since my m/c on Sunday, and "POC" -- GONE!

But, I do have a ton of blood/sludge and some clots in there. Bleeding was next to none yesterday and this morning, and then today about 12, someone turned on the faucet. I've been bleeding pretty heavy. Having a vaginal u/s when you're bleeding like that is GROSS! The table looked like a scene from a horror movie when she was done.
I'm just thankful that I passed everything. Very thankful.

I'm going next week for next hcg level. Hopefully it's a lot lower. That's the NEXT hurdle. Geez... just one thing after another. I tell ya!

Ok, off for now...

Wednesday, October 17, 2007

15th Wedding Anniversary today

Well, me and my wonderful Hubby have been married FIFTEEN years today.

We had a beautiful wedding, full catholic mass, gorgeous dress, lot of people -- it was an amazing fall day. Leaves were gorgeous colors. That night we partied until about 10pm, where we headed off to Vegas on the red-eye. We stayed there for 3 days, came back and took a motor home to Yellowstone for a week.

What an amazing 15 years. I Love my Husband so much, and I can't wait to spend the next 15 years with him.


On to m/c things.. Bleeding has slowed down today. I had some small clotting again this morning, and some cramping, but light bleeding since. I'm still nervous about tomorrow's u/s. It's at 3:50 - so wish me luck. I am pretty happy still with my beta #. I NEVER in a zillion years thought I'd ever say Beta, Happy it's low all in the same sentence. How weird. I'll update tomorrow when I get home - ACK!!!


Beta results!!!

Well, my beta # from yesterday at 2:20pm was 251! That still seems high to some, but this is coming from a beta of 51,000 on the 20th of September. I think it's gone down a LOT. Now we've just got to get this damn number below 5!
I bet you have to be near 1000 to have a natural m/c. That's just my un-professional opinion, but a lot of what I've seen.

251. Wow, what a full circle this has been. My VERY first beta was 267 on August 10th, and 48 hours later it was 585. I was so excited because they were rising so nicely, little did *I* know.

Well, this morning I'm having a lot of cramping and some very small cots. Another big gush, but none are really that big.

I'll report later...

Tuesday, October 16, 2007

Things to have on hand for a miscarriage

I'm going to list things that I think are important to have on hand while you're waiting to miscarry.

  • Pads. The largest ones available. I got 3 packages. One pack of "maximum strength" always with wings, one package of "ultra thin maximum strength", and one package of always overnight with wings. I think the "wings" are important - no silly girls, not so you can fly away from this, but so your pretty panties don't get ruined with blood. I also had a package of pantyliners for the light spotting before the m/c began. I did not like to walk around with a Alaska sized pad while I wasn't bleeding. The maximum strength pads are more absorbent than the overnight ones.

  • Vitamins. I'm sure most of you have these on hand, but they're very important to take while you're m/cing. One thing I was thinking was to stop taking them prior to the m/c, just in case any folic acid or vit-c was preventing the miscarriage.

  • Gatorade. You're going to lose blood. It's important to have plenty to drink while you're m/cing. I drank water, but I got a LOT of Gatorade, simply for the electrolytes, and carbs. Water is good if you don't want to get Gatorade, just make sure do drink a LOT.

  • Heating pad -- They're wonderful while you're cramping and/or having contractions. It really did help when my back was in pain.

  • SUPPORT. Make sure the day you m/c you have someone around you. Having a natural m/c is dangerous to do alone. I'm so glad that my DH was here and it happened on a Saturday.

  • T.P - toilet paper. Make sure you have a lot at home. I noticed I went through 2 rolls of T.P since my M/C. This may sound silly "make sure you have T.P", but we all know you can run out, and you don't want to not have any while you're wiping many times. I'm sure it didn't help that I drank a ton of Gatorade and I was going pee 100x either.

  • Advil and OR your Rx'd pain meds. -- This is a MUST!!! My Dr. gave me Percocet, but I didn't want to take it. I'm just nervous to take a narcotic, I think because so many people say how they got sick from it, ect. The last thing I wanted to be doing was puking while I was m/c'ing. I took 4 advil -- which was 800mg. The equivalent to RX strength. It did take the edge off the cramps, but not the contractions. It didn't even touch those.

  • Thermometer -- Make sure you have it close to you at all times during m/c. I made sure to take my temp before the m/c, during, and several times since. Since we are at about a 4-10% rate for infection, this is one of the first signs and it is essential for you to take your temp.

  • Foods with high iron. Chili is an excellent source for this. Wendy's sells a great sized cheap chili that isn't that bad, and has a lot of iron in it. Beans are great for this. Some women can bleed quite heavy during the m/c and you really should keep that iron as high as you can.

  • Dr's phone # written down somewhere. If there was a need for your S/O to call for whatever reason, it would be good to have written down.

  • Things that help....
  • Cold rags -- It felt good (for whatever reason) to have a very cold washrag for my forehead.

There are more, but I'll stop here for now and update as I remember.



Proof that googling M/C info is bullshit...

So, I type in

"Clotting after miscarriage"


Here is one example...

Some typed:

"I was diagnosed with complete molar where the sac is disfigured and there was never a fetus. My gynecologist thought I would miscarry without having to have the D&C and sure enough I did. I started bleeding and five days later I actually miscarried. I saw it and it definitely was the sac. A day later I am still bleeding not too heavy, but clots the size of quarters and sometimes bigger. not constantly, but not just a few. Is this normal. I did clot before the actually miscarriage, but I am still clotting. My cramping went away right after I miscarried. Sorry...just a little scared and tired!! "

Here is someones response:

"Answer: No this isn;t normal. The clotting proves that there is still tissue there and I was told anything the size of a 10p or bigger (same size as a quarter) needs to be mentioned and investigated. I have been told this after labour and also after two miscarriages. I did end up having a D&C the day after my last miscarriage though as through scan it was determined I had retained tissue and my womb was still filled with blood. It would be worth mentioning if nothing else but if it is retained tissue causing the clotting it can develop into an infection."

PROVES? You've got to be kidding me.

There were 42,500 responses to my google. This person is convinced that because you clot after m/c you still retain "POC"? Give me a break.

This is why you shouldn't google stuff. I was having very small blood clots since the m/c, and today's were no bigger than dimes, maybe a 5 cent piece, but proves? Come on.....

If anything it proves your cervix is open and the river is flowing (so to speak)

anyway, I'm annoyed...


3 days past m/c

So it was a pretty boring day, minimal bleeding and then I picked up the kids, went to the grocery store, and as soon as I shut the car door and started walking into the store, I felt like 6 huge gushes and something huge on my pad. Luckily I had a pad in the car, so I went back to the car, grabbed the pad and walked like something was up my butt to the bathroom in the store.
There were like 6 blood clots on the pad. It was SUCH a gross feeling. Maybe I'm over-doing it. I don't know, but I think it's safe to say my cervix is OPEN and things have got to be coming out. I swear, I'm going to be SO pissed/mad if not everything has came out. I'm pretty certain that all of the "POC" have came out. I remember when my Dr. gave my the last u/s (on the 25th of Sept.) She said I had a lot of blood pockets next to the sac, so that combined with all this bleeding and the actual m/c, I'm sure that's why.
You know what's weird, It actually felt good/neat when it was coming out. LOL! I guess I was just so used to the pain, and at first I thought it was a few blood gushes, but I bared down a few times and it just kept coming. It was like the 3rd small push when I felt a lump in my pad.. LOL! omg, that sounds so sick and funny at the same time. I'm really glad I can laugh at some of my comments.

Some of this is just so graphic, and detailed. I hope you guys are getting a kick out of it too.

Now I'm cramping again -- real cramps, not contractions. I must convey that. When the actual m/c happened there were REAL contractions. I just wasn't expecting that at all.

So, I'm just going to take it easy the rest of the evening. I'm hoping with all of this coming out of me, things are clearing out... all of it. I went in today at 2:00 for a Beta, so I should have that # tomorrow (if they call) and if not, I'll get it for sure on my appt. on Thurs.
I hope it's LOW!!!

Ok, I'm going to go rest.

Monday, October 15, 2007

October 15th...

Well, today is the day we remember pregnancy loss... so freakin' ironic. I swear this entire thing if full of irony!
Still bleeding, just like a normal period. Not really any cramping and the contractions seemed to have gone away, though I remember a couple this morning.

Already thinking about TTC..... I'll just save my thoughts on that.

Two days until the big 15th anniversary. Guess I'll definitely never forget our 15th! I'm really anxious about Thursday's U/S. My Dr. called today, said it was fine we wanted to bury the baby, and to come in tomorrow for a beta. I'm kind of excited to see what my level is. It was 51K on the 19th or 20th (can't remember off hand) -- So it's been almost a month, plus with the m/c it's got to be pretty low now.

Well, that's it for now. I'm glad to know that I have this blog for people who are unfortunately in my shoes. I know how horrible it is when you're given the initial diagnosis and you just want to find REAL stories of things, not just horror stories, or simple one liners of how they m/c today.

Thank you to those who read my blog.


Sunday, October 14, 2007

Sunday - 7:15pm

Well, it's been a booooooooring day today. Much different than yesterday. This morning I was having mild contractions still but they've seemed to go away. I can't believe this is all over. Just like that. So weird.
I've been lightly bleeding all day -- I wonder how long this is going to last. I have to get my beta drawn this week. I have my U/S on Thursday and that is my next hurdle to jump. I hope so much that was everything. With such strong contractions I had, I just can't imagine anything else in my uterus, but I'm sure it's happened. I feel so lucky. I really do. I was able to have such a normal natural m/c (if there even is such a thing)
I'm still pissed about paying for the cytotec on Friday, but what can I do?

I'm now thinking about TTC. It's weird how these feelings and emotions come in. I think I'm going to do Clomid again. I really think this m/c had something to do with luteral phase defect. Going from the last time DH and I had relations, and going off my betas and when AF was due, it was only 10 days from conception until the time AF was due. And going off other months, I seem to ovulate late with not much time until AF.

I sent off pictures to my Dr. I don't feel like bringing them in to my Appt. on Thursday, but I did want her to see them.

I wish I had all week to just lay at home, do nothing and recover -- but I don't think that is a good choice. I think getting out this week, resuming normal activity will be good for me.
That's it..... It was such a boring day today, and I did absolutely nothing. Sounds just fine in my book.

Sunday morning

Well it's Sunday morning. It's a very gloomy, cold day here. Fitting I suppose.

Well, from the date of the first diagnosis, to the actual m/c was almost 4 weeks. 3 weeks from the final diagnosis.
The baby probably stopped growing somewhere in the 7th week, because it was there at 6w2d, and gone in the 8th.

I am having very light contractions still, they're random and not really painful. I'm still lightly bleeding. I managed to get a full night's sleep last night, so that was very lovely.

We have decided that we're going to plane the "baby" under a tree. I think we'll go to the tree farm, pick out a nice tree, and plant it. My Dr. wanted me to collect the "products of conception" in that cup, bring it to the lab so they can for sure, indeed say that it was the "pos" Uh, no thanks.
I have a u/s on Thursday. I'm going to bring it in with me, show my Dr. tell her I'm sorry but I'm not dropping it off and we're going to bury it. I would like her to see it though, seeing as she does d&c's all the time and births. She'll know exactly what I passed, I don't need a lab person dissecting my baby/placenta, just to say "Yup, it was the pos" I know this wasn't a regular period blood clot. I've had a very heavy period before, passing large clots -- never has anything looking like this came out of me. Nor have I ever had to PUSH anything out, either.

So, if they don't like it -- so be it. I'm sick of all this crap. I swear I am. First a month to worry and m/c, and now who knows how long I'm going to bleed for? Some people go through this for a month! Bleeding, I can handle. Really, as long as it's not heavy, I can handle bleeding.

So, I'm not sure what I'm going to do today. I must do some grocery shopping, but I feel quite lazy! But if it doesn't get done -- it wont all week!


Saturday, October 13, 2007

It's amazing how much better I feel.

I really hope this is over, because I have read things where people started this process again later, so who knows.
But, I went to wallgreens and got some taco bell. Never in a million years did I think that I would be doing anything today -- if you asked me early this morning what I'd be doing today, I would've said nothing, just laying in pain.

But, I guess when it's over it's over. In a weird way I sort of feel invigorated. It's so strange, I keep saying "I can't believe that" I just can't! But I guess it's like birth, I was sort of looking at this whole process like a period. It was nothing like a period, but more like a birth! I think because of all the cramping and light bleeding I was having all week, I just figured I'd cramp, bleed until my uterus was empty. I didn't expect it would be full contractions until that came out of me and then I'd feel much better!

I know everyone m/c different, and you can't use mine as a guideline, but I will say that when it's over - you really do feel so much better. So it's just a few hours of bad stuff.

Don't think I'm strange

I took a photo of "it"

Not for anyone to be grossed out, but for someone who was in my shoes can see what things might look like. I don't even know what this was, but it wasn't a normal blood clot coming out of me. I didn't stretch it all out, because it is quite big and I didn't want to touch it anymore, so I just took a photo of it in the cup.

Please, don't click on these links if you might feel disgusted, grossed out or offended in any way. This is really for informative purposes only. (and I'm a photographer -- I can't help it)

I'd say this was about the size of a small lemon? Or maybe a large strawberry.

I swear I feel SO much better. Those back contractions were getting to me, I even was bending over just to walk to the bathroom. Now I feel like I could go shopping! (no joke)

I'm very glad I have photos.


So as I was laying on the couch with the heating pad on, I decided I wanted to take a shower. I felt gross and the heat would be good.

As I was in the shower, I felt something HUGE either in my vagina or cervix. I don't know. But anyway, It was up there and I felt like pushing! I was pushing hard and this HUGE glop placenta looking thing plopped on the shower floor! I was so shocked!
I yelled for Dh to go grab that "product of conception" cup in the downstairs bathroom. It took him a while to find the bag I was talking about, but came up there with it and I put it in there and then to the refrigerator.

OMG! I'm a photographer and my first instinct is to take a photo of this! I don't know if I can or will though. It looks JUST like a placenta! I felt instantly better when I pushed that thing out of me, I am still having some contractions but pain and other wise, it's like it came out with that thing.

This has been the MOST surreal experience of my life. Just weird and sucky!

I really hope this is it. I can't imagine it not being it. It looks NOTHING like a blood clot, but veiny, bumpy, clearish, with clots in it. So weird. I am just in shock of that experience!

Please, Please, Please let this be done.
I would NOT do things different than I did. I'm so glad I am able to say this. I'd say the worst of the pain was from about 4am to about 11:30am. But on a scale of 1-10, I'd give the worst of the contractions and pain about a 4 or so.
I think the worst of it, is it starts getting to you. Contraction after contraction, just achy and painful, we can handle some, but one on top of another hour after hour is what sucks.

Wow. Wow. Wow -- that was just weird!

Just venting for a second..

I can NOT believe -- the DAY I buy the cytotec I have this m/c. You know how bad I wanted to avoid it, and I didn't think I was going to be able to, and wanted to do it this weekend...
It's just unreal the day I go buy that crap I m/c. Now wtf am I going to do with 8 cytotec pills? Can you send them back to the pharmacy? Just toss them? Whatever...

But something I wanted to point out, before the m/c started last night... I just did not feel right. I felt very not like myself. I didn't want dinner (even at 8pm I wasn't hungry) but made DH go get me chili from Wendys (for iron) It's like I just KNEW it was coming. I mean, I had been bleeding light all day (not even like a full period) My face was really hot, I felt weak, and just not myself. I'm curious to know if others ever felt that way the day of their m/c. It sure is interesting.

For the moment the cramping has seemed to get lighter. I don't know if it's the advil or what. I don't feel any cramps, but I DO feel the contractions still. They just get SO tight!

I'm so glad my body started to get itself in gear. I really wanted a natural m/c. I just feel like our bodies are capable of handling this, and really prepare for it, vs. shocking it into something. But I was willing to do whatever I had to do. I mean, we're not really given a choice in this matter, are we?
I feel like we have so many hurdles to cross while m/c. First it's the very first diagnosis, then we come home and we get a glimmer of hope, then we have a follow up u/s, then a final diagnosis. Then we have a choice to make in terms of how we want to m/c. Some choose d&c, some cytotec, and some waiting. With all the options we run the risk for infection. If we choose to m/c naturally, we could still retain tissue and need a d&c anyway.
Now my next hurdle is my U/S. Dr's want to see me the week after I m/c to make sure my uterus is clean, along with weekly beta draws.
Mmm, fun.
Then after is all said and done, and we ttc again and DO get pregnant, I can't imagine what that first trimester is going to be like.

I'm drinking loads of Gatorade. I ate some french toast sticks for breakfast even though I'm not even close to hungry, I think you should definitely eat while your body is doing this.

DD just brought me the heating pad. I think I'll lay on that for a while.

Be back later.

I only have a minute

But I wanted to post.

It really, really, really, really started.

I am in a significant amount of pain - it's the contractions. When women used to mention contractions for a m/c, I just thought they meant cramping. Well, it is cramping, but it comes and goes like labor. This feels a LOT like labor with my daughters. Not the end of labor where you're screaming, but early-mid labor. The contractions don't last nearly as long though. Maybe about 12 seconds or so? I don't know, about 4am I tried to time them, and they were coming every 2 minutes at that time.

I just popped 4 advil, because honestly I'm afraid to take the percocet. I just don't want to be out of it too much.

I'm bleeding a lot like a really heavy period, but the cramping is very strong. So much I was moaning during the night while sleeping -- it would wake me in pain, so not like my period cramps.

The best way to be is in the fetal position. Sitting here typing this, each time I have one, it presses on my pubic bone or something -- it's horrible.

I've had a cough for the past couple of weeks, when maybe is good in this time, because it's causing me to expel things. There was a pretty big plop in the toilet last night, but it was like 3am, and you know -- I don't know how they want you to collect the products of conception. The entire toilet bowel is red. I can't even SEE anything, not to mention there is usually pee in there.
I'd say if you're really bent on collecting this, get yourself a cheap strainer at the dollar store and use it when you go to the restroom.

I really hope this cramping doesn't last ALL day long. I'm already tired of this, and the fact that it kept me up quite a bit last night doesn't help with how tired I feel.

I'll update later, I have GOT to lay down. Make sure you're laying down for most of a m/c. Really sitting up doesn't feel good at all.


Friday, October 12, 2007

Holy crap it's starting! (for real)

Guys, I'm really sorry if I may come off crass in any of my posts, I'm just trying to speak in the moment.

Ok, so about 5 minutes after I hit post -- I coughed and a HUGE gush came out, I ran to the bathroom and the toilet is filled with blood and clots came out.

It's happening now for sure....

I knew it, I just feel SO different tonight --- weird, very different, like my body was/is up to something.

Ok, I'll post later. I'm bleeding a lot now.

Friday -- 10pm

Well, I really think something different is happening. I just feel different tonight. Almost sick. Not sick-sick, but just blah. Not much energy, my face feels hot (I don't have a fever) and I'm crampy. Bleeding is picking up and scant tissue. This is the longest I've bled. Bleeding started this morning about 10am, and it's now 10pm and it's been going all day. Not a LOT or anything yet, but it's picking up. During the day it was small leaks on the pad, and when I wiped, and now it's coming out when I pee (I see the drop-drop in the toilet) When I wipe it's like red blood with brown tissue and such. It's weird, I'm not even that "Scared" anymore. I think as with anything, too much worry-and being scared just desensitize you. I was terrified last Saturday when I woke up with blood, I was positive it was going to be the day. Now a week later and ugh. I don't care, just want this crap done!
Also, what is with this weekend stuff? I don't know if it's good or bad. I just love, love, love my weekends and love to enjoy them. But then again, being busy with kids all week, and hubby working, I don't think I'd want to do this mid-week either. I'm going to get some good sleep tonight (I hope) and I want to feel rested for tomorrow. Man, I am cramping now as I type this. My poor puppy. She got spayed on Wednesday and she has that silly e-collar on. She's bumping into everything and wining. (had to throw that in)
Anyway, I'm watching the Rockies game. It's tied right now 1-1.
I'll post later...

Friday -- 6pm

Well, I've been pretty much bleeding all day. It's weird bleeding, sort of like after you've given birth. Just like a scanty, brownish, clearish, beeding. Sometimes it's red (most of the time) other's it's brown.

So, this morning, I actually filled the RX for cytotec and percocet. All night I was geared to do this either tonight or tomorrow. I actually made that choice last night after the bleeding slowed down/stopped. I was SO sick of this and wanted it over. Then I wake up to bleeding today, and actually from all my bleeding "episodes" this one has lasted the longest. Pretty much all day.

I talked to Dr. Insensitive's office and they told me to wait now that I'm bleeding ( I think because I told them that is my plan) -- I do have the meds in hand, just in case. I'm not sure if I'll do them this weekend or next, but they said it sounds like my body is gearing up to do this. Good lord I hope so.

I found this miscarriage tribute on YouTube. It was touching...

I'll post as time goes on. One thing I know, if I did start bleeding like crazy, I could always take the cycotec. One thing my Dr. said was they only give 800mg cytotec for those with either a missed miscarriage (like mine) or women who wont stop bleeding after childbirth. It helps the uterus contract thus making the bleeding stop if it's going too much.

I'll update later --

Thursday, October 11, 2007

Thursday -- 8pm

Well, I've been cramping pretty hard all day, but the bleeding has slowed down.

I'm pretty sure this is going to happen soon. I can actually feel contractions. They're like braxton hicks (to those who have been pregnant) I have achy cramping all over my uterus, but I can feel the contractions coming and going. My uterus gets really hard, and then stops.

Not much more to report, other than I did everything as usual today. Ran errands, went shopping, ect. I figured it was better to be out and about than here alone. DH had an important call with a client and he had to be there, plus I thought the walking would do some good.

I'll post later, I'm so tired today..


It's starting again!

It's SO weird how things turn out!
So, this morning, I was in the shower thinking about when this is going to start, when I'm going to bleed, bla blabla -- I've been crampy, always check the T.P when I go to the restroom, and I was getting in the shower, went to the restroom, checked the T.P, brown as usual, and sometimes (this can be gross for some) but I kind of put some T.P up there a bit just to see if it's coming ..... Anyway, just brown. So I get in the shower, as I'm thinking about all this, bla bla bla... I feel something coming out! I really didn't think anything of it, because honestly it's been doing this for a while but just little a little brown, so I look down and I'M BLEEDING!
It's red, and I have got some cramps! I put on a pad the size of Alaska and now I'm waiting.

I don't know what to do with my day. I'm suppose to go to dd's school, and then she's got her most favorite thing in the world -- gymnastics today at 4pm.


You know, I was thinking last night. I've been taking a high potency vitamin (not prenatal) just for the iron and such during this. I stopped taking it about 4 days ago, because I was thinking maybe the folic acid and the other vits in there was preventing this.
I should probably take one today though. I'm the most crampy I've ever been right now as I type this.

I'll be back later with details....


Wednesday, October 10, 2007

Wednesday - 8pm

If there is one thing I'd like to know -- it's WHY is every single "miscarriage story" I read pure horror? I just got done reading two more "stories" on that website I mentioned earlier, and these people make m/c'ing a 2cm sac sound like delivering a 13lb baby with no meds!
Granted I haven't had mine yet, and I don't REALLY know, but I just can't imagine.

I read stories of how these people think their "water broke" (when they had an empty sac) and then collapsed on the floor is horrible pain, pushing out a big sac the size of a lemon, ect, ect.

Good lord. Would someone find me a DECENT m/c story? I'm so tired of looking this stuff up. I know, I know -- I should just stop searching this stuff, but I'm an internet chick. I look everything up, and I'm on my computer every day. It's just something I do. I want to be fully prepared. Someone told me recently, that they think sometimes people just like telling a horror story. Man, I totally know she's right.

I'm torn on doing the cytotec this weekend or next. ONLY because our 15th wedding anniversary is next Wed, and I just don't want to do this before. Know what I mean?
I wouldn't MIND doing it this weekend, just to get this over with -- but then that would mean #1 I have to do this, when I really don't want to, and #2 I'll most likely be bleeding pretty heavy on our anniversary night, and we plan on going out to a nice dinner.

I'm still spotting more brown, today it seemed to pick up some, and my ovaries hurt! Weird.... I don't even think I want to call Dr. Insensitive and let her know I'm thinking about doing it next weekend. But, I really don't know why she'd care, she did offer to D&C me on the 16th until I told her our 15th was on the 17th.


Thanks for reading!

Tuesday, October 9, 2007

22 days since diagnosis...

That's about 3 weeks, right? I don't know how soon before that u/s the baby stopped growing. I wonder what is a safe time frame to wait out a m/c? Seems like SO many people online get "fed up" call the Dr. and request the D&C they so adamantly did not want. I feel like saying FU&^ you, M/C - and FU, D&C. It's sort of a power struggle for me. I'd like to know wtf people did before they did u/s's. You know m/c had to exist a lot back then too! I've read of a "non-miscarriage" which is really weird, where your body just absorbs it all, and never even m/c. Eventually your levels just go down and viola! You're back to normal!
It's sort of like when there is a twin pg, and one twin dies. (early on) the body just absorbs the sac and/or fetus and you go on. Other than moving on and TTC again, why do so many jump to d&c right away? I guess I'm just a huge wimp.

Nothing new to report, just same old same old. Still a bit sore and crampy and very light brown.
Hum de hum. I'm SO torn on waiting or cytotec this weekend. You know, honestly I don't want to take the cytotec because I value my weekends SO dear and I feel like it's all going to be wasted in agony.
I feel like my Dr. isn't on the same page on waiting it out. I don't know if I care or not. I've never done this, so I don't know what the standard thing is. I know my old OB would have been much more understanding and let me do what I wanted. What *DO* I want? I don't know!!!!!!!!!

I want to be pregnant again I think. I've been thinking about this lately -- sad I know, but honestly it's been on my mind. Those first few weeks of this pregnancy were bliss. I was so happy and it just feel GREAT to be pregnant. I was looking forward to things, even passing in the baby section when I was in stores, getting all excited... ***ahhhhh***

Getting ready to watch dancing with the stars, I think Wayne is going home - we'll see. But he's horrible. Hey, maybe I can chat about other things in my life other than this BS. I will not let this M/C run my life. (is it done yet?)


Thanks to my readers....

Monday, October 8, 2007

Monday - 5pm

Well, nothing new to report. The bleeding pretty much never came back, and just brown. I have been having some tissue come out. It was weird, today some tissue or something came out of me that looked like a collapsed sac? Almost like a cooked egg white -- actually it reminded me of the egg in egg drop soup, but it was brownish and not round or anything, but you could see grey in it. Who knows. I wanted to really check it out, but if fell in the toilet after there was pee in there, and um - ya, not fishin' that out.

So, nothing new to report. Still crampy/tender and sore. Wondering if I'm just going to feel a gush, or what. I stopped wearing a mega pad. It's driving me bonkers to walk around with one of those things on. I'm tired. Didn't get much sleep last night, and was up at 6am. I wish it was the weekend again. I also feel a bit of anxiety lately. Odd. Usually I don't have any, so it must be from all this m/c crap. I know I'm coming to the end of the road, but the " when" is what I hate.
I wonder if you can have a m/c with only the amount of bleeding I had? I doubt it, but it did cross my mind. I mean, it was like heaving period bleeding for about 1.5 hrs. There was a clot on the pad that looked like liver, and then after that - just the brown stuff.

Sorry this is so gross. Actually this blog is for me to vent, and others going through the same stuff to relate to. I remember googling everything I could about "stories" and such, which I didn't find much. At least not in full detail like mine. This is both the emotional AND physical stuff. Hopefully someone looking for someone else in their shoes can find comfort.

Well, off to web surf. I'll update later if I have anything new.. ~~~~sigh~~~~


Sunday, October 7, 2007

Some info on Expectant management. (watchful waiting)

Participants: 1096 consecutive patients with a diagnosis of spontaneous first trimester miscarriage.

Methods: Each miscarriage was classified as complete, incomplete, missed, or anembryonic on the basis of ultrasonography. Women who needed treatment were given the choice of expectant management or surgical evacuation of retained products of conception under general anaesthesia. Women undergoing expectant management were checked a few days after transvaginal bleeding had stopped, or they were monitored at weekly intervals for four weeks.

Main outcome measures: A complete miscarriage (absence of transvaginal bleeding and endometrial thickness <15 mm), the number of women completing their miscarriage within each week of management, and complications (excessive pain or transvaginal bleeding necessitating hospital admission or clinical evidence of infection).

Results: Two patients with molar pregnancies were excluded, and 37% of the remainder (408/1094) were classified as having had a complete miscarriage. 70% (478/686) of women with retained products of conception chose expectant management; of these, 27 (6%) were lost to follow up. A successful outcome without surgical intervention was seen in 81% of cases (367/451). The rate of spontaneous completion was 91% (201/221) for those cases classified as incomplete miscarriage, 76% (105/138) for missed miscarriage, and 66% (61/92) for anembryonic pregnancy. 70% of women completed their miscarriage within 14 days of classification (84% for incomplete miscarriage and 52% for missed miscarriage and anembryonic pregnancy). Conclusions: Most women with retained products of conception chose expectant management. Ultrasonography can be used to advise patients on the likelihood that their miscarriage will complete spontaneously within a given time.


Considering that my Dr. said the cytotec works about 70% of the time, this is encouraging.

There are quite a few studies out there, but I just found it interesting.



Well, it's almost 5pm, and about 2 hours after I got up, the bleeding stopped and is back to brown. I just hope things are moving along, I'd really like to get out of the house, maybe go for a walk or something - but I just feel blah.... I put on a lifetime movie (ya!) and sat on the couch. My life starts again tomorrow with kids and things to do.

Guess I'm still waiting. I am cramping and have a lot of brown goop... I don't know what else to call it, but I get it a lot before and after AF. I made Chili this morning in the crock pot, I figured it's great for Iron, and perfect for a chilly day like today. heehehe- Chili -Chilly...

This Roller Coaster sucks! I'm ready to get off. I was reading stuff on medical/surgical mgmt, vs. expectant mgmt, and it was saying that our bodies heal much better, both before the m/c and after. Our bodies realize that we're going through this and start closing off blood vessels, and everything else. My uterus feels really "full" and bloated now. Kind of sore when I press on it. I just took 4 advil because I'm getting a pretty bad headache. I was freaked out this morning when I saw all that blood, my heart was pounding ... this unexpected stuff is what freaks me out so much.

My lord, I can't even imagine having multiple m/c's. I feel so bad for the women who have had several -- heck, even 2! Some women have them back to back... I just can't imagine.

Hugs, and I'll update later if anything else happens.

It started!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ok, so I woke up this morning, went to the restroom, wiped and there is a LOT of blood! I put on a pad, and now I'm cramping and bleeding. Like period bleeding. I'm going to lay on the couch, because I'm quite nervous, actually. Please let everything go well......


Saturday, October 6, 2007

Nothing yet!

Here it is now, Saturday morning and nada... Just still cramping and lt brown spotting. I bet I'll be doing cytotec this coming weekend. You know, another thing my Dr. said that irritated me was she wanted me to do ANOTHER dose of the med 24 hrs after the 1st. I said "even if everything comes out" She said, yes.
That seems awfully traumatic for my system to do a double dose of that. Don't you think?
I think I'll play it by ear. If I see a lot come out, then I'm not doing a 2nd dose. For what? So I can spend TWO days in pain? Uhhhh no thanks!
Oh well........ Another day. On the positive side, I can enjoy my weekend a bit more than I was planning. I have some yard work to do. Who knows, maybe it'll get something going. I sort of feel like a 9m pregnant woman trying to bring on labor. - Another sick irony.

I hope anyone reading this in the same situation can relate some. As I said before, this blog is good for me. It helps to get this out, and maybe someone going through the same thing will find information in all of this. At least some comfort that someone else is going through the same emotions that I am.

until later.

Friday, October 5, 2007

Non-Chalant Dr. called me

She kind of gets on my nerves. First of all, if you have Kaiser insurance, you know how much of a freaking PITA it is to even get in TOUCH with your Dr. Second, they're so "by the book" there. Everything from tests, how they do things, where you go, ect.
She finally called again (for the 3rd time missing her call) to answer some questions I had. She said she doesn't use the other med (the one that blocks hcg and progesterone) because it's not widely used in the USA for missed miscarriage, but mostly abortion (elective) and she doesn't do that. Ok, fine, not that I even wanted to use it, I was just wondering as the rate of effectiveness is much higher with both meds are used (95% vs 75)

I'm fine with that, and then we talked about when I was going to use cytotec. I told her about my recent cramping and spotting and frankly she seemed annoyed. I told her in all honesty I wanted to try to naturally m/c. She said "Ya, but the question is, how long do you want to wait this out" -- in a total condescending voice.
Shit, I don't effing know! I don't want to wait at ALL, but I *ALSO* don't want to shove 4 pills up my va-jay-jay and lay in the fetal position all day in pain, nor do I want a surgical "procedure" to rid my uterus of the "products of conception" either!
I'm freaking terrified of surgery (I think we've established this) When I had my emergency c-section with my last daughter, I was balling, I was hysterical. I was about to have a little BABY, and all I could think of was the damn waiver I had to sign about death, hysterectomy ect.
It all went fine, but I also had a epidural in place already at that point for hours. They only had to up the dose, and cut me open. Fast, nice and I got to see and hold my precious baby girl shortly after.

Medical route (cytotec) ughhhh.... I'll do this as a LAST step. I am cramping, I'm starting to spot. Perhaps my body is freaking kicking in and realizing I have this in my uterus and wants to get rid of it? I don't know! I've never done this before, I've never been in this situation before! I just wish I had a Dr. who was empathetic to my needs, and was very happy with my choice to do what I wanted! She never mentioned that I'd probably be m/c now (from the cramping and spotting) all she kept referring to was "next weekend when you do the cytotec" "Make sure to make an appt the week after you do the cytotec"
I JUST SAID I was hoping/thinking I was starting to m/c now! Why can't she just say " Oh, well maybe you are starting to m/c, I'll call you in a couple days to see how you're feeling"
Ohhh... Not my Kaiser Dr.

Sorry to wine and bitch, but I'm just irritated. Yes, this is a sad, pathetic, lonely wait. It is, I'm not going to lie.

And to add insult to injury, I'm sick of people treating me as if nothing has happened! I'm freaking tired of it!

I got a freaking e-mail today from someone who just had a baby... ugh Had a lovely bouncing baby girl, who was 8-14oz. Uhhh... Thanks for the email!! I just lost a baby, let's celebrate yours!

I'm just venting. I don't want to come off as a rude prick. Really, some things might not seem that big, but he could of not added me to the email list of his lil' girl, and instead told me later.

If I do get pregnant again, I will NOT tell anyone for like 15 weeks. I'm dead serious. Not even my children. This hurt is too much. I always used to think I'd get over a m/c pretty fast if I had one. I never in a million years realized it was so invasive. It's consuming my life right now.

I'm off my soapbox and done venting.



Well, today was going to be the BIG CYTOTEC day, BUT -- I have decided to wait, once again a week.
2 days ago, I started having light spotting, rotating from pink to brown, with globs in it (sorry tmi - but then tmi went out the window when this started, didn't it?)
I am having a significant amount of cramping, and I hope so much that bleeding starts, and it isn't that bad. I have such horrible fears, and I hate this. ya' know, it sucks so bad that I'm in this damn situation. It's bad enough to LOSE a baby, but waiting or deciding how it's going to bleed out of you is exhausting!
I was reading a site I found about waiting for a natural m/c, it said something like "You're in for a sad, pathetic horrible wait" On one hand it's true - yes, as you can see from my posts, this isn't fun at ALL, but once you can get on that you've lost the baby, the rest is health/medical stuff. I worry more about my health and the bleeding/pain now than I did for the babe that never was. I hope that doesn't come off as mean, but it's how I feel. I was *so* sad when I lost this baby, the day of, but that week I had to get over it. You don't have a choice when you're in this situation. I refuse to emotionally be attached to this baby. It would be too hard on me.
I don't know what I'm going to do with the things like my 1st u/s pic, or my 11 HPT's that I took that are all flaming positive. That part makes me sad. I have them in this drawer in my kitchen, and yesterday I had to get in there for something, and I caught myself just glancing past them and closing the door pretty fast.

It's weird how time changes things. For the past week I thought I'd be spending today on the couch with 4 cytotec pills in my vagina, waiting for horrid pain and pouring blood. Instead I type here with my laptop on my lap, I have cramping and now I'm waiting for a m/c.
Who knows, I might not start bleeding at all and then use the "pills" this weekend. I swear I'm going to be done with this crap by next weekend one way or the other. I guess the good things about using the pills now, is I know this is coming. Obviously my body wants to expel this, but things are going VERY slow now. In all honesty I have no desire to even google this shit that's going on with me now. I am *SO* done. I'm going to clean my house, I might take my girl out for a bike ride, clean the back yard and act normal.

Thursday, October 4, 2007

Something's happening....

Last night, while I was getting ready for bed, I went to the restroom, and there is LIGHT PINK SPOTTING. I'm actually sort of crampy today, more so than I ever have been...

Hmmmm... Not much more today, I do feel like I need to have more BM's, and I'm crampy in my lower back.
My god, I hope this is the start of this. It was the FIRST time I've seen pink this whole time. I was actually scared to go to sleep last night, I didn't want it to happen during the night -- but so far, it hasn't. I think I'm going to wear a pad today just in case. I'd hate to be somewhere and then gush.. and not be prepared.
I think I'm going to skip cytotec this weekend. Hopefully my Dr. calls this morning, and I'll be able to further discuss this with her. Actually, doing cytotec might not be such a bad idea now that I've seen spotting - but STILL is freaking me out.
I just don't know...
I'll post tonight.

Wednesday, October 3, 2007

Shit. Shit. Shit!

I'm starting to second guess this damn medicine again. I don't know what is wrong with me, I am scared out of my MIND!
My Dr. called me today, normally I answer my phone all the time, but she called during parent conferences. Great, nice timing! I've been waiting for her call now for 2 days! So, I had to call them back and then now I wait for her to all again. I can't stand Kaiser. They never give you a direct phone number, it's just a basic local line, which you have to press 1 and then 3, and then wait on hold forever, and then finally get to a lady - ONLY to be transferred to the office where your Dr. is located, THEN to be put on hold again.

I'm just really freaking myself out. As I've said a zillion times, I'd MUCH rather naturally M/C. I KNOW it can be done, just when it'll happen is an unknown. I mean, wtf did they do before ultrasounds? You'd just eventually have your period and be done with it.
Seems like so many people I talk to are either like "Oh, I'd wait naturally" OR -" The surgery isn't bad at all, I think that would be best" Or - "Oh, that medicine sounds horrible, I don't think I could do that"

Why can't I just start bleeding?

You know what's ironic? When I first found out I was pg. I had light brown spotting for about a week and a half, and then about 2 days of light pink spotting. Hmmm... My body seemed to know how to spot during a pregnancy THEN. Why can't it do so now? The longer this goes on, I still have some "doubt" that the baby could be alive -- how sick is that? I mean seriously.
With my last pregnancy I bought a baby beat - which is a doppler like they use in the Dr's office. About 2x a week I look for the HB. JUST to make sure. I just can't imagine.......

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~sigh~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I don't like Dr's. I don't like to go to the Dr for ANYTHING, and now I have to do this crap. Frankly it's pissing me off that I have to make this freaking choice. WHY do I have to do this? WHY do I have to make this damn choice? "Surgery or a painful medically induced mini-labor?" Hmmmmm... Which would would YOU choose?

I just wish I wasn't such a big freaking wuss. I keep thinking something horrible is going to happen with this medicine. I should have NEVER passed go from the Dr's office at the time of DX and went home and did the medicine that night, I should have NEVER googled CYTOTEC. SHIT!

I need some serious hand holding. I wish I had a more understanding OB office. Actually, I don't even know if I expressed to her how much I'd like to wait some more. Maybe she would be willing to let me? What am I talking about? LET ME? Um, it's my body and my choice, right?

Anyway, I'll post after she calls me back. Hopefully she'll either talk me into this, or allow me to wait a little while longer. I'm almost tempted to check my cervix to see if it's closed, open - what. Well, I doubt it would be open as I've had no bleeding or spotting.

shit.. shit... shit..


Tuesday, October 2, 2007

These aren't mine..

But, it shows what my U/s looked like. I almost wish I asked for a picture.
This first photo is what my u/s looked like when I should have been 8 weeks. At the bottom, we saw some tissue/sludge, something but nothing like a baby.

This is what my U/S looked like more last week. It seems like it shrunk. It's weird how these two look almost exactly like my 2 u/s.

Not a site any pregnant woman wants to see at ALL, but it's what it looks like, and felt like posting.

If by chance I get another u/s I'm going to ask for a pic of the sac. I don't know why, but I want to have one.

I think they're going to want to do my hcg levels this week too again. I'm kind of curious as to what they're doing. On the 19th of Sept they were 51k. I'm sure they've had to go down a lot more since then.


until later..

Reading- searching- more reading and searching..

I can NOT stop searching on the internet about my situation. I think I've looked at everything regarding cytotec. Honestly I wish there was more info out there. There just isn't much! Surprising, considering how common miscarriage is. I bet a lot of women don't post. I remember, when I was first diagnosed, I chose the cytotec immediately. I was actually planning to do it that weekend. I'm not even sure I would have posted.
But, I will say that I'm SICK of reading the freaking horror stories! So many women posting things like "the pain was so bad, I passed out" Ect... Um, didn't any of these woman take pain pills? I could not imagine in my right mind, doing this without being armed with at least something for pain.

I feel like this is a big count down. I want to do this early enough in the morning to where it's almost over by the evening. I just don't know what time. I was thinking of setting my alarm for like 3am or something, and doing it then, so about the time I wake up the bleeding should start. I don't think I should do this at night. For one, I don't want to be up from about 3am bleeding and in pain. I want to know how long this is going to take. I figure if I do the pills at 3am, I should be pretty much done by midnight. Or at least I hope so.

I should have a ticker "countdown to miscarriage" or something... You know, I'm working myself up to this WAY TOO MUCH. And I know this. But, I'll say it feels good venting here on my laptop. Getting this out to whoever reads it. Honestly, it's my therapy. Just posting after I already made a post feels nice.
I think I'll google this stuff a little more. I'm watching dancing with the stars now, that is helping keep me occupied. I did google foods very high in iron. I'm going to stock up on some Gatorade, and some bran cereal maybe ( I loathe milk) some nuts, and then some chocolate. Maybe some children's pedialite.
I really hope when I do this, I have this amazing great positive story to tell. Like, I bled, it wasn't too bad, I passed everything... bla bla bla.
One of my biggest fears is that I'm going to do this, not pass everything, and then end up with a d&c which I absolutely do not want. Or, I'll get some "tissue" stuck in my cervix. Not my cup of tea.

Please pray that everything goes smooth for me.

18 days from diagnosis....

Fun times.

So, I sent off a big email to my Dr. today. As usual I asked her a ton of questions. I was curious to see if they used the other "abortion pill" ever to induce a m/c. I can't remember the name, but the street name is RU-486. It blocks HCG and progesterone from your body, and then about 48 hours you use the cytotec. I guess it's more effective than just cytotec alone. Isn't it ironic that after 4 years of Infertility, I'm now researching an ABORTION PILL? Good grief..
I also wanted to ask her about the complications associated with OUR office. How much it works, ect. Also, I notice you shouldn't use it past 8 weeks, and technically I'm 11, but I don't know when the sac stopped growing, or even how big it is, as she never measured it. So, I thought maybe she's grant me one U/S to measure this thing before Friday.
I'd really like to know the size of this thing coming out of me. I have no clue what to expect.

I've got some great advice from others who've had to do this, and some very helpful things. I'm going to make sure DH is here Friday, and he feeds me and pampers me.

Wish me luck.... about 60 hours left.....


Sunday, September 30, 2007

I had a dream.......

Last night I had a dream that I was mis-diagnosed. I've been reading way too much on
While it does happen, I'm almost certain that I'm not a case. At first I thought maybe, because of my tilted uterus, but not anymore. I saw the u/s on last Tuesday. I KNOW there was nothing in the sac. I even have a few "blood pockets" near the sac, and that isn't normal either.

But, the dream had me a little weirded out. I mean, it was SO real and vivid! It was *MY* Dr. And I demanded another one in the practice come in, one last u/s and we found the baby. LOL - wishful thinking I suppose. But, it stuck in my head. I've never been one ever to read into my dreams, and I know it's only because I've been reading stories, and had some hope the week before last. I know that this pregnancy isn't viable. It just was a weird dream!!

I wish I'd start bleeding! I am actually quite ready to be done with this. Sucks. My 15th wedding anniversary is this month. We did celebrate (sort of) by going to Hawaii this summer, but didn't officially celebrate, didn't do anything alone or anything like that. I've been trying to find cheapo tickets to Vegas on Ding (southwest airlines cheap) but none so far. I'd really like my babes with us, so we could re-new our wedding vows, but then I have no babysitting for DH and I to go out and do something, I even thought of buying my Mom a ticket to go with us and watch them, my oldest is 14, but leaving the two of them in a hotel room while we go out is not something I would do.

Well, sucks. I wish Dh and I could be very happy this month, celebrating our 15 years together, our new baby (I'd be about 14 weeks then) but no..... Here I am, 17 days away from our anniversary, waiting to miscarry a baby that never was..

Oh well.

One positive side, is I can drink! I haven't really had much to drink since Hawaii, and even then I only had like 2 mai-tai's. Not even enough to buzz me.

I think if we did head to Vegas, I would get drunk!

13 days since diagnosis, and waiting and waiting and waiting - probably doing cytotec this weekend, a girl on the website that I spoke about above, did it yesterday and it wasn't too bad other than a lot of bleeding (think very heavy period)



Not a lot going on here today - or all this week for that matter. I have no spotting, no bleeding, and a tad bit of cramping, but honestly I can't tell if they're normal uterus type-pregnancy-type cramping. Nothing too serious.

I'm thinking about doing the cytotec this coming Friday. My Kids are home from school, and I think I'd like this over with. It's funny, honestly - I don't even mind waiting. I'd wait for a while like this, because the decisions I have to make regarding this suck! Whatever I choose, I have to be brave. And as I've said before, I can't do the d&c.

Soooooooooooo Here I am! Waiting and waiting... waiting for a period to start, blood, cramps.... Anything. WHY my body is holding on to this I have no clue, especially since I'm sort of emotionally done, like I know I'm not pregnant, I've dealt with it (the best I can) and I just want it over with. I feel normal, and I'm not looking forward to this!!!!

Ok... so, I'll update later.

Tuesday, September 25, 2007

Not good news :(

It's ok. Before you feel "sorry" for me, It's OK. No wait, I'm ok. Really, truly, seriously. I am. I've had a "bad" feeling since my first u/s on the 4th of sept, and then I've had over a week to deal with a m/c.
The nurse today was soooo cool. You know, she really put things in perspective. She said "you know, I see babies born ALL the time with problems, just look at it as you were lucky and your body knew this wasn't a viable pregnancy"
I agree.

I'm not saying all parents who have special needs kids aren't lucky, just for me - it was the best thing.

So........... we talked about everything. D&C, cytotec, and waiting. I'm kind of crampy, I have been for about 2 days now, SO if all goes well, I'll m/c on my own.
Again, I just think I'm too big of a wuss to have the surgery. I really do. She explained all the risks, what happens, and while I know it's only about a 30min surgery, going "under" is something I just really can't come to deal with. Don't know why, just can't.
I also feel like my body was made to do what it is suppose to do. Eventually m/c this baby (sac)

So, the u/s today I wasn't expecting to see much. And I was right. She found the sac, though not as big and clear as last week. It seemed smaller and pushed to the side ( I think it's because my bladder was full and it was a transvaginal u/s)
She noticed some pockets of blood near the sac, and again - nada in it, even what we saw last time, seems to be gone now - she says my body is starting to re-absorb it.


I'm truly ok. I am, but I know it's not over, and until then, I wont be normal. I just want this behind me, to either TTC again, or not. I just don't know. Honestly, I NEVER want to go through this ever again - ever. I can't imagine. I might just count my blessings and be done with this, even though DH is NOT done. He really wants to try again, and of course, my 7 year old - is dying for a sibling. I think she took this the worst of anyone. :(

So, here I am, I just sent off an email to my Dr. again. I asked her if she still thought I was a good candidate for the cytotec. Sure, I've read some painful stories of women who've used this, but I have to wonder if #1, they used drugs, or #2, they have ever had labor. I have 2 kids, I've had 2 labors. So, really, I can feel pain, and that I'm not afraid of. I'm afraid of either bleeding too much, or something getting "stuck" and then needing a d&c anyway.

Oh well...... life goes on!

I'll update later.

Sunday, September 23, 2007

Weekend, who knows what day I'm on

I gave up keeping track. Just numb still, going between a sliver of hope, to knowing that it's most likely over. I hate this so freaking much.

Here are my beta #'s for the week.

Collected: 9/19/2007 9:32 AM

51,618 Collected:
9/20/2007 3:42 PM

So, you can see they dropped about 900pts in about 31 hours.

Some things I read go back from Beta #'s stop rising and even start declining from 8-10 weeks. That is what is giving me a tad bit of some hope. I have to have some.

That mixed with the fact my uterus is very tipped and maybe that is why the babe was hiding. I know that isn't much, but it HAS happened, as I saw on
is just having me hold on to something.

TMI they say - well, not in terms of something graphic, but too much information on the Internet can make you crazy. I've not been able to relax since last week, all I can think about is the empty beautiful sac on the u/s screen, and how sorry the Dr. was.

I've been going over in my head ALL weekend cytotec or D&C. I wish I could just suck it up and do the D&C, for a few reasons. It's OVER and done with in a matter of a couple hours, minimal bleeding, and they get it all.

If I take the effing medicine, I could be in horrid pain, might bleed so much I have to go to ER, or better yet, go through tons of bleeding and clots and STILL not pass the darn sac and end up with a D&C anyway.

BUT, the fact that it has worked with 80% of women, gives me hope, that and the fact that it can be done in your home and non-invasive has good things to it.

shit, I just don't know. When I asked my Dr. about the D&C, she said it's up to the anaesthesiologist if they put you out or do twilight. I'd much rather have the latter, I really don't want a tube down my throat. I've never had any surgery (other than a c-sec) and I don't want this to be my first.

gawd, I can't decide - I guess I'm holding on to something for my next and final U/S on Tuesday at 10:50am. I'm so nervous for it. Hoping and praying that my babe was hiding and view was distorted because of my retroverted uterus. maybe... just maybe.

I know the Dr. is going to want my choice, and I don't want to even make such a choice.

I'm tired, sick and tired of this. I was reading this article on M/C and women's choices, they said SO many women end up changing their minds and getting the D&C (who initially said no way) because the wait is so hard. Ideally I'd like to M/C on my own - naturally, with no intervention, but as of now I have no bleeding and no cramping.


Ok, if I don't update before Tuesday, I'll do so then.

Wednesday, September 19, 2007

Day 3.

Well, over the past 24 hours I've thought about so much. I went from accepting this, to trying to tell my body to expel this non-viable pregnancy, to now having a glimmer of hope.

I went to the lab and had my beta HCG drawn, as well as an antibody, they wanted to make sure I'm RH neg. So, I got the call tonight that my beta is 52,000! That is pretty high for a sac with nothing in it if you ask me. Geez.
So, I go back tomorrow to see what they're looking like (rising or dropping), and NOW the Dr. wants to see me next week. Shit, I can't take this. The up and down, up and down.

I just want to enjoy being pregnant - or non-pregnant. I hate this limbo, the hope, only to probably be let down. I fucking hate it. I'm tired, but I guess I have to fight for my baby. Even if there is a .000001% that this baby could be alive, I've got to do WHATEVER I can to save it, to make sure it has a life. I can't believe I could just terminate this pregnancy this weekend, and not knowing how things could be going.

Well - I'll update later. I need an emotional break.

Tuesday, September 18, 2007

Day 2.

Well, today is day 2. I went to work and a few of my friends knew. Everyone was saying how sorry they were, ect. How they think I should have the D&C.
I've gone back and forth so much, my head is going to explode.

I'm scared shitless of surgery.

I called my Dr. more and talked to her about my options again. She was nice, and her opinion is for me to use the cytotec. I think I'll do that in 2w, if I don't m/c on my own.

One thing, I did ask her for ONE LAST ultrasound. I just can't terminate this pregnancy unless i'm 110% positive, and to me, one ultrasound isn't doing that for me.

Today I feel ok. Numb and it's so hard to believe that I've got to go through this. It's NOT something I want to do even a sliver.

Monday, September 17, 2007

Day 1 (sort of)

Well, I had my first U/S on the 4th of September. At that time, I should've been almost 8 weeks, but my U/S showed a baby of 6w2d. That's what the Dr. Said. He said he saw a flicker of a hB, and the yolk and fetal pole. To me, it didn't look like anything baby in there - but he measured this tissue and gave it a date. (whatever)
So, the instructions were to come back in 10 days.

I went today and viola! No freaking baby. Just a nice, formed, perfectly looking gestational sac, with some "tissue" in there, and no heart tones. Isn't that lovely?
What do you do when you're feet are in stirrups, there are two Dr's in there saying how "Sorry" they were, and giving you miscarriage instructions. No wait! It wasn't miscarriage instructions, it was a "MISSED ABORTION" Isn't that nice? I sure liked that name.
Looks like you have yourself a nice looking empty sac there, Mrs. H. It's beautiful!

Well, here are my options. I can have a D&C. (no) I can have a medical miscarriage (Cytotec), or I can wait to see if I M/C naturally. Hmmm... Tough choice. Which one sounds more nice?
(can you read my sarcasm?)
I opted to wait and see - I don't know how long, maybe a week, maybe a few days. Who fucking knows. If nothing happens then I suppose I'll do the stupid "Have a bloody M/C at home and be in tons of pain" I'm terrified of having a D&C. I've never been "under" for anything, and I definitely don't want my first time to be scraping out my uterus.

So here I am. I started this blog to journal this lovely experience - maybe to give any answers to anyone else going in this, maybe to vent, maybe just to write and have fun doing so. I don't know.
I'm not sure if I'm going to TTC again. I've been thinking a lot about this today, don't ask me why I'm even going there - but I can't stop thinking about it.

I hate this. I hate the wondering, the waiting, the what if. I've never had a miscarriage before, and I'm not looking forward to it. On one hand, I want this out of me, I want to be done with this, and on the other, I don't want to have to deal with ANY of it.

I'll keep you posted..... fun times...
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