Friday, November 16, 2007

Last and *FINAL* beta #!

So, my beta yesterday - one week from last one was

*****************2******************************


They said I didn't need to go back! (duh) I'm SO happy this is OVER! I'm still amazed how long it has taken me to get back to zero, and how SLOW the last couple have gone down. It went down SO fast in the beginning, but then again - I was bleeding pretty hard after the m/c, and only spotting really since, so I can kind of see why/how.

They reminded me "make sure to use back-up b/c until you have one normal period" And also told me what I already know is that you won't get your period until your beta is 0. So, now I guess I wait. Wait for A/F to start. That should be fun times, eh? So, I'm happy. At least this part is over, and really I have next to no hcg left in me. Weird...

Well, I don't know what else to say. This has been a looooong journey, and a painful one at that. I'll probably be closing this part of my blog, and just leaving it here for others to read. Unless I have something important to add here, I'll be posting on my other one - I just have to get it up and running. I want to thank everyone who emailed me with words of encouragement, and support. Going through this for the first time was awful and I was so lost. Thank you!

xoxoxoxo,
me

Monday, November 12, 2007

October 13th - November 13th. One month since m/c.

So tonight I was getting ready to get into the tub, I went to the restroom, got up, was standing near the tub, when I felt a lump or something come out. Ugh..
I put my hand down there and ANOTHER PIECE OF placenta came out!
omg!
It was brown, didn't feel like much coming out. It was about almost 2 inches long, and maybe a half of an inch wide. Not too big, but looked just like the rest I m/c a month ago (tomorrow) Had veins in it, was firm. Eww... Strange.... Very, very strange! Maybe it was stuck in my cervix? Maybe it was at the bottom of my uterus? Who freaking knows...

I've been spotting still. Going from brown to red, always enough to wear a pad. ~~sigh~~ A pad now for a month. Sucks!
I can't believe it's been a month since I lost my baby. It's sad really, sad to think how far along I'd be now, just a couple more weeks - I'd be able to find out the sex. I'd be showing, rubbing my belly and just being a giddy happy, cute pregnant woman. But now. Here I am.

I will still say, I'm glad I m/c at home. Even tonight, looking at that poc that came out of me, thinking how lucky I was to be able to see what was inside of me, knowing that I was going to let he/she come out of me the way it was intended to. I know not everyone can have a natural m/c, but I'm SO glad I did. I really would not have done the m/c differently.
It's just the after stuff that stinks so bad. The month long bleeding, the wondering when AF is coming, the TTC thoughts. All of that stinks.

A month.

Time goes fast - yet so slowly. I know that doesn't make sense to some, but for me the term fits perfectly.
I think I'll go to the Dr. on Wed to get my last freaking beta. (until I'm pg again)
I bought a book last night. It's called "Preventing Miscarriage" By, Jonathan Scher MD. Should be a good read. I just want to take ALL the precautions to prevent this crap from ever happening again.

I'm going to be thankful this thanksgiving. I'm SO thankful for my wonderful family whom I adore more than anything. I know they all don't fully understand the impact on me, and my m/c, but they've been there as best as they can. For that I'm thankful.

I'm going to get into the holidays. I can't wait to start decorating and being happy. I just want to be happy.

Love you guys!
xoxo,
me

Friday, November 9, 2007

Ring.... ring...

So the Dr. calls me, says that they *DO* want to "follow my beta to zero" UGH! I was like "Why do I have to?"
I just don't understand why I need to go in AGAIN............. CLEARLY my levels are dropping, and going down and are ALMOST negative. Whatever.
She said that if I didn't I'd be "going against what they recommend" UGH....

I don't know what I'm going to do. I might go back, I might not. I mean, no - the needle doesn't even hurt in my arm anymore, but it's such an inconvenience. Go drive to the stupid Kaiser building, go in, put my card in the slot, wait for them to get to me, (usually the girls are talking about what they did last night, bla bla bla) Finally I go in, I have to tell them where to draw it, because it's the best spot, and then call in the AM for results. Actually I don't HAVE to call, I just do because I want to know.
So. Maybe. Just maybe I'll go in and have it done ONE LAST FREAKING time, when I don't even know why they insist. Whatever....

So, I'm crampy and AGAIN the bleeding has picked up. Ya'know, I'm not even going to bother posting "Ya, my bleeding has stopped" because as soon as I do, it speeds up again.
Maybe my levels are taking forever to go down because I'm not bleeding that much, I've basically just been spotting for about 3 weeks, I think I only bled heavy for about a week and a half after the m/c. Now, my spotting has been real spotting, the kind that needs a pad, not just the wiping kind.
IT's weird though, I do have cramps, and that isn't something I've really had since week 1post m/c.

Oh well... hum de hum. Sit and wait. I know they'll be negative next week, and I suppose I'll entertain the idea of pleasing them to follow me to zero. I'm pretty sure they have my best interest at heart. Ok, maybe not their heart, but their records. lol

What a freaking experience this has been. I wonder what day I should go in. I did my beta on this Thursday (yesterday) Should I go in on Tuesday, or Wed, or Thurs? Ahhh... I don't know. I'll figure it out, and maybe if I'm driving by the stupid bldg I'll go in. We'll see.

That's all folks. I'll post later!

xoxoxo
me

Beta results!

It's SIX.


Yup. *6*


Sooooo, talking to my Dr's office, she said "Some Dr's want you to come in until zero, some until 5 and under."

Well, it's 6 and I am NOT going back. I told them. I even asked my Dr., if I had to go back if it was 4 and she said no, so I really don't see the need with a beta of 6. I mean come ON. WTF is the point? They've gone down so good since, and we're not having un-protected sex, so I really don't see any need. I'm pretty sure it'll be 0 next week.
Ya, not goin' back. She said she didn't blame me really. But I told her, I didn't see a need! So, the bleeding I had the past couple of days has slowed down (again) and just back to light spotting. Maybe - just maybe I'll stop bleeding soon. You know, I'd LOVE a break in between this and my next AF, because from what I hear, that'll be heavy and yucky too -- ya - fun, fun stuff.


Well, that's it. A beta of 6, just about 4 weeks since my m/c. It's weird how SLLLLLOOOOWWW the last of it leaves you! I mean, we jumped from 251 to 73 in a week! Yet, I've only gone down 10pts since last week. GEEZ! Again, don't know why I'm annoyed. I think more than anything, I know you can't get your next period until your beta is a big fat goose egg, and that is probably what is annoying me. Do you know, my last AF was 7-7-07? FOUR months ago!
I just want to move on, be normal (hahaha) and be done. If anything "good" is coming from this, it's got to be the fact that everything is cleaning out, or I can only hope. I've passed so much tissue, blood, spotting. Maybe my lining will be a nice comfy place for a baby next time? Maybe?

Well, until next time, Ladies (and gents?)
xoxo,me

Wednesday, November 7, 2007

Going tomorrow for beta number (who knows)

I don't even know anymore, and I'm not going to keep track. I will say though, I don't think I'll be going back after this one. I don't even know why they have you keep going if you've been going, and it's going down, and you're near 20-30. I mean, come ON!
I. Am. Still. BLEEDING! I'm actually wondering if my period is starting now? My bleeding today has picked up, and I'm sort of crampy. I don't know how I'll know. Didn't I say in an earlier post, that I could handle the bleeding? Well, I'm officially DONE with it. (mentally)

Thinking about TTC again. I think I'm going to add-a-blog to my profile for ttc and thoughts and stuff. This place has been a blessing for me to vent and have my story here. I'm so glad I did this.
This weekend will be FOUR weeks post m/c. !


I've been reading a lot of positive stories on getting pregnant after m/c, and that is nice to read. I LOVE hearing my buddies getting a BFP!
Well, that is it for today. I'll post with my final beta. I don't care if it's TEN. I'm not going back. I just don't see the point. I've followed it from 52k to 51k to 251 to 73 to 17. (I think that's right) So obviously it's gone down, and I just don't see the need to go back after this one, to follow it ALL the way to zero. If I'm lucky, it'll be zero tomorrow, but as the nurse said "two more weeks" Eh.. wtf does she know? LOL!!

:D Love you all!
xoxo
me

Sunday, November 4, 2007

3 weeks, 1 day since M/C

And I'm STILL spotting. Yes, still.
Have I said how sick I am of wearing pads? I think I can wear a tampon now, actually. But, I'm just going to stay with my pad wearing, just to finish them off. I think I've gone through like 5 or 6 pkgs of pads. Amazing....
Now, to top it all off, I have a freaking cold.

Well, I wonder what my beta will be this week. It's like a mystery game or something, kind of exciting at this point to go in, wonder what it'll be, and then get the #. I really think it'll be almost zero this week. I mean, I can't imagine it going on too much longer.
OH well, that's it for today.
xoxo,
me

Thursday, November 1, 2007

Beta results!

Ugh!!!

SEVENTEEN!

Didn't I say it might be near that? Whatever. I don't even know why I'm so anxious for this level to be zero, I mean, I know I'm not pregnant anymore, and I'm not sure why it even matters.
The nurse on the phone said "With a beta of 17, I'd expect on a couple more weeks before it's zero"
Uh, ok. Fine. In fact, 2 more weeks would put me near when AF is due, and from things I've read, you need to have a beta of 0 to have AF, so maybe that makes sense? Who knows.
It'll probably be something like 6 next week, and frankly I don't even know if I'll go back after that. I mean, seriously. I'm sick of seeing the people at the lab, I'm sick of having the same place on my arm stabbed. I'm sick of wearing pads. I'm sick of it all!!

DH and I were talking about HOW LONG this whole thing has been. It's taken SO much time from my dang LIFE! It's so true. I guess I can't do anything anyway, with the whole TTC thing until AF comes anyway, but it's still annoying. I just wish I was at a big fat goose egg -- again, it's weird wishing my beta was zero.
Oh well. Hurry up and wait... all the time.
xoxoxo,
me
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