Last night I had a dream that I was mis-diagnosed. I've been reading way too much on www.misdiagnosedmiscarriage.com
While it does happen, I'm almost certain that I'm not a case. At first I thought maybe, because of my tilted uterus, but not anymore. I saw the u/s on last Tuesday. I KNOW there was nothing in the sac. I even have a few "blood pockets" near the sac, and that isn't normal either.
But, the dream had me a little weirded out. I mean, it was SO real and vivid! It was *MY* Dr. And I demanded another one in the practice come in, one last u/s and we found the baby. LOL - wishful thinking I suppose. But, it stuck in my head. I've never been one ever to read into my dreams, and I know it's only because I've been reading stories, and had some hope the week before last. I know that this pregnancy isn't viable. It just was a weird dream!!
I wish I'd start bleeding! I am actually quite ready to be done with this. Sucks. My 15th wedding anniversary is this month. We did celebrate (sort of) by going to Hawaii this summer, but didn't officially celebrate, didn't do anything alone or anything like that. I've been trying to find cheapo tickets to Vegas on Ding (southwest airlines cheap) but none so far. I'd really like my babes with us, so we could re-new our wedding vows, but then I have no babysitting for DH and I to go out and do something, I even thought of buying my Mom a ticket to go with us and watch them, my oldest is 14, but leaving the two of them in a hotel room while we go out is not something I would do.
Well, sucks. I wish Dh and I could be very happy this month, celebrating our 15 years together, our new baby (I'd be about 14 weeks then) but no..... Here I am, 17 days away from our anniversary, waiting to miscarry a baby that never was..
Oh well.
One positive side, is I can drink! I haven't really had much to drink since Hawaii, and even then I only had like 2 mai-tai's. Not even enough to buzz me.
I think if we did head to Vegas, I would get drunk!
13 days since diagnosis, and waiting and waiting and waiting - probably doing cytotec this weekend, a girl on the website that I spoke about above, did it yesterday and it wasn't too bad other than a lot of bleeding (think very heavy period)
..................
Sunday, September 30, 2007
Sunday....
Not a lot going on here today - or all this week for that matter. I have no spotting, no bleeding, and a tad bit of cramping, but honestly I can't tell if they're normal uterus type-pregnancy-type cramping. Nothing too serious.
I'm thinking about doing the cytotec this coming Friday. My Kids are home from school, and I think I'd like this over with. It's funny, honestly - I don't even mind waiting. I'd wait for a while like this, because the decisions I have to make regarding this suck! Whatever I choose, I have to be brave. And as I've said before, I can't do the d&c.
Soooooooooooo Here I am! Waiting and waiting... waiting for a period to start, blood, cramps.... Anything. WHY my body is holding on to this I have no clue, especially since I'm sort of emotionally done, like I know I'm not pregnant, I've dealt with it (the best I can) and I just want it over with. I feel normal, and I'm not looking forward to this!!!!
Ok... so, I'll update later.
I'm thinking about doing the cytotec this coming Friday. My Kids are home from school, and I think I'd like this over with. It's funny, honestly - I don't even mind waiting. I'd wait for a while like this, because the decisions I have to make regarding this suck! Whatever I choose, I have to be brave. And as I've said before, I can't do the d&c.
Soooooooooooo Here I am! Waiting and waiting... waiting for a period to start, blood, cramps.... Anything. WHY my body is holding on to this I have no clue, especially since I'm sort of emotionally done, like I know I'm not pregnant, I've dealt with it (the best I can) and I just want it over with. I feel normal, and I'm not looking forward to this!!!!
Ok... so, I'll update later.
Tuesday, September 25, 2007
Not good news :(
It's ok. Before you feel "sorry" for me, It's OK. No wait, I'm ok. Really, truly, seriously. I am. I've had a "bad" feeling since my first u/s on the 4th of sept, and then I've had over a week to deal with a m/c.
The nurse today was soooo cool. You know, she really put things in perspective. She said "you know, I see babies born ALL the time with problems, just look at it as you were lucky and your body knew this wasn't a viable pregnancy"
I agree.
I'm not saying all parents who have special needs kids aren't lucky, just for me - it was the best thing.
So........... we talked about everything. D&C, cytotec, and waiting. I'm kind of crampy, I have been for about 2 days now, SO if all goes well, I'll m/c on my own.
Again, I just think I'm too big of a wuss to have the surgery. I really do. She explained all the risks, what happens, and while I know it's only about a 30min surgery, going "under" is something I just really can't come to deal with. Don't know why, just can't.
I also feel like my body was made to do what it is suppose to do. Eventually m/c this baby (sac)
So, the u/s today I wasn't expecting to see much. And I was right. She found the sac, though not as big and clear as last week. It seemed smaller and pushed to the side ( I think it's because my bladder was full and it was a transvaginal u/s)
She noticed some pockets of blood near the sac, and again - nada in it, even what we saw last time, seems to be gone now - she says my body is starting to re-absorb it.
****************SIGH******************
I'm truly ok. I am, but I know it's not over, and until then, I wont be normal. I just want this behind me, to either TTC again, or not. I just don't know. Honestly, I NEVER want to go through this ever again - ever. I can't imagine. I might just count my blessings and be done with this, even though DH is NOT done. He really wants to try again, and of course, my 7 year old - is dying for a sibling. I think she took this the worst of anyone. :(
So, here I am, I just sent off an email to my Dr. again. I asked her if she still thought I was a good candidate for the cytotec. Sure, I've read some painful stories of women who've used this, but I have to wonder if #1, they used drugs, or #2, they have ever had labor. I have 2 kids, I've had 2 labors. So, really, I can feel pain, and that I'm not afraid of. I'm afraid of either bleeding too much, or something getting "stuck" and then needing a d&c anyway.
Oh well...... life goes on!
I'll update later.
The nurse today was soooo cool. You know, she really put things in perspective. She said "you know, I see babies born ALL the time with problems, just look at it as you were lucky and your body knew this wasn't a viable pregnancy"
I agree.
I'm not saying all parents who have special needs kids aren't lucky, just for me - it was the best thing.
So........... we talked about everything. D&C, cytotec, and waiting. I'm kind of crampy, I have been for about 2 days now, SO if all goes well, I'll m/c on my own.
Again, I just think I'm too big of a wuss to have the surgery. I really do. She explained all the risks, what happens, and while I know it's only about a 30min surgery, going "under" is something I just really can't come to deal with. Don't know why, just can't.
I also feel like my body was made to do what it is suppose to do. Eventually m/c this baby (sac)
So, the u/s today I wasn't expecting to see much. And I was right. She found the sac, though not as big and clear as last week. It seemed smaller and pushed to the side ( I think it's because my bladder was full and it was a transvaginal u/s)
She noticed some pockets of blood near the sac, and again - nada in it, even what we saw last time, seems to be gone now - she says my body is starting to re-absorb it.
****************SIGH******************
I'm truly ok. I am, but I know it's not over, and until then, I wont be normal. I just want this behind me, to either TTC again, or not. I just don't know. Honestly, I NEVER want to go through this ever again - ever. I can't imagine. I might just count my blessings and be done with this, even though DH is NOT done. He really wants to try again, and of course, my 7 year old - is dying for a sibling. I think she took this the worst of anyone. :(
So, here I am, I just sent off an email to my Dr. again. I asked her if she still thought I was a good candidate for the cytotec. Sure, I've read some painful stories of women who've used this, but I have to wonder if #1, they used drugs, or #2, they have ever had labor. I have 2 kids, I've had 2 labors. So, really, I can feel pain, and that I'm not afraid of. I'm afraid of either bleeding too much, or something getting "stuck" and then needing a d&c anyway.
Oh well...... life goes on!
I'll update later.
Sunday, September 23, 2007
Weekend, who knows what day I'm on
I gave up keeping track. Just numb still, going between a sliver of hope, to knowing that it's most likely over. I hate this so freaking much.
Here are my beta #'s for the week.
-------------------
52,502
Collected: 9/19/2007 9:32 AM
--------------------------------
51,618 Collected:
9/20/2007 3:42 PM
So, you can see they dropped about 900pts in about 31 hours.
Some things I read go back from Beta #'s stop rising and even start declining from 8-10 weeks. That is what is giving me a tad bit of some hope. I have to have some.
That mixed with the fact my uterus is very tipped and maybe that is why the babe was hiding. I know that isn't much, but it HAS happened, as I saw on misdiagnosedmiscarriage.com
is just having me hold on to something.
TMI they say - well, not in terms of something graphic, but too much information on the Internet can make you crazy. I've not been able to relax since last week, all I can think about is the empty beautiful sac on the u/s screen, and how sorry the Dr. was.
I've been going over in my head ALL weekend cytotec or D&C. I wish I could just suck it up and do the D&C, for a few reasons. It's OVER and done with in a matter of a couple hours, minimal bleeding, and they get it all.
If I take the effing medicine, I could be in horrid pain, might bleed so much I have to go to ER, or better yet, go through tons of bleeding and clots and STILL not pass the darn sac and end up with a D&C anyway.
BUT, the fact that it has worked with 80% of women, gives me hope, that and the fact that it can be done in your home and non-invasive has good things to it.
shit, I just don't know. When I asked my Dr. about the D&C, she said it's up to the anaesthesiologist if they put you out or do twilight. I'd much rather have the latter, I really don't want a tube down my throat. I've never had any surgery (other than a c-sec) and I don't want this to be my first.
gawd, I can't decide - I guess I'm holding on to something for my next and final U/S on Tuesday at 10:50am. I'm so nervous for it. Hoping and praying that my babe was hiding and view was distorted because of my retroverted uterus. maybe... just maybe.
I know the Dr. is going to want my choice, and I don't want to even make such a choice.
I'm tired, sick and tired of this. I was reading this article on M/C and women's choices, they said SO many women end up changing their minds and getting the D&C (who initially said no way) because the wait is so hard. Ideally I'd like to M/C on my own - naturally, with no intervention, but as of now I have no bleeding and no cramping.
fuck!
Ok, if I don't update before Tuesday, I'll do so then.
Here are my beta #'s for the week.
-------------------
52,502
Collected: 9/19/2007 9:32 AM
--------------------------------
51,618 Collected:
9/20/2007 3:42 PM
So, you can see they dropped about 900pts in about 31 hours.
Some things I read go back from Beta #'s stop rising and even start declining from 8-10 weeks. That is what is giving me a tad bit of some hope. I have to have some.
That mixed with the fact my uterus is very tipped and maybe that is why the babe was hiding. I know that isn't much, but it HAS happened, as I saw on misdiagnosedmiscarriage.com
is just having me hold on to something.
TMI they say - well, not in terms of something graphic, but too much information on the Internet can make you crazy. I've not been able to relax since last week, all I can think about is the empty beautiful sac on the u/s screen, and how sorry the Dr. was.
I've been going over in my head ALL weekend cytotec or D&C. I wish I could just suck it up and do the D&C, for a few reasons. It's OVER and done with in a matter of a couple hours, minimal bleeding, and they get it all.
If I take the effing medicine, I could be in horrid pain, might bleed so much I have to go to ER, or better yet, go through tons of bleeding and clots and STILL not pass the darn sac and end up with a D&C anyway.
BUT, the fact that it has worked with 80% of women, gives me hope, that and the fact that it can be done in your home and non-invasive has good things to it.
shit, I just don't know. When I asked my Dr. about the D&C, she said it's up to the anaesthesiologist if they put you out or do twilight. I'd much rather have the latter, I really don't want a tube down my throat. I've never had any surgery (other than a c-sec) and I don't want this to be my first.
gawd, I can't decide - I guess I'm holding on to something for my next and final U/S on Tuesday at 10:50am. I'm so nervous for it. Hoping and praying that my babe was hiding and view was distorted because of my retroverted uterus. maybe... just maybe.
I know the Dr. is going to want my choice, and I don't want to even make such a choice.
I'm tired, sick and tired of this. I was reading this article on M/C and women's choices, they said SO many women end up changing their minds and getting the D&C (who initially said no way) because the wait is so hard. Ideally I'd like to M/C on my own - naturally, with no intervention, but as of now I have no bleeding and no cramping.
fuck!
Ok, if I don't update before Tuesday, I'll do so then.
Wednesday, September 19, 2007
Day 3.
Well, over the past 24 hours I've thought about so much. I went from accepting this, to trying to tell my body to expel this non-viable pregnancy, to now having a glimmer of hope.
I went to the lab and had my beta HCG drawn, as well as an antibody, they wanted to make sure I'm RH neg. So, I got the call tonight that my beta is 52,000! That is pretty high for a sac with nothing in it if you ask me. Geez.
So, I go back tomorrow to see what they're looking like (rising or dropping), and NOW the Dr. wants to see me next week. Shit, I can't take this. The up and down, up and down.
I just want to enjoy being pregnant - or non-pregnant. I hate this limbo, the hope, only to probably be let down. I fucking hate it. I'm tired, but I guess I have to fight for my baby. Even if there is a .000001% that this baby could be alive, I've got to do WHATEVER I can to save it, to make sure it has a life. I can't believe I could just terminate this pregnancy this weekend, and not knowing how things could be going.
Well - I'll update later. I need an emotional break.
I went to the lab and had my beta HCG drawn, as well as an antibody, they wanted to make sure I'm RH neg. So, I got the call tonight that my beta is 52,000! That is pretty high for a sac with nothing in it if you ask me. Geez.
So, I go back tomorrow to see what they're looking like (rising or dropping), and NOW the Dr. wants to see me next week. Shit, I can't take this. The up and down, up and down.
I just want to enjoy being pregnant - or non-pregnant. I hate this limbo, the hope, only to probably be let down. I fucking hate it. I'm tired, but I guess I have to fight for my baby. Even if there is a .000001% that this baby could be alive, I've got to do WHATEVER I can to save it, to make sure it has a life. I can't believe I could just terminate this pregnancy this weekend, and not knowing how things could be going.
Well - I'll update later. I need an emotional break.
Tuesday, September 18, 2007
Day 2.
Well, today is day 2. I went to work and a few of my friends knew. Everyone was saying how sorry they were, ect. How they think I should have the D&C.
I've gone back and forth so much, my head is going to explode.
I'm scared shitless of surgery.
I called my Dr. more and talked to her about my options again. She was nice, and her opinion is for me to use the cytotec. I think I'll do that in 2w, if I don't m/c on my own.
One thing, I did ask her for ONE LAST ultrasound. I just can't terminate this pregnancy unless i'm 110% positive, and to me, one ultrasound isn't doing that for me.
Today I feel ok. Numb and it's so hard to believe that I've got to go through this. It's NOT something I want to do even a sliver.
I've gone back and forth so much, my head is going to explode.
I'm scared shitless of surgery.
I called my Dr. more and talked to her about my options again. She was nice, and her opinion is for me to use the cytotec. I think I'll do that in 2w, if I don't m/c on my own.
One thing, I did ask her for ONE LAST ultrasound. I just can't terminate this pregnancy unless i'm 110% positive, and to me, one ultrasound isn't doing that for me.
Today I feel ok. Numb and it's so hard to believe that I've got to go through this. It's NOT something I want to do even a sliver.
Monday, September 17, 2007
Day 1 (sort of)
Well, I had my first U/S on the 4th of September. At that time, I should've been almost 8 weeks, but my U/S showed a baby of 6w2d. That's what the Dr. Said. He said he saw a flicker of a hB, and the yolk and fetal pole. To me, it didn't look like anything baby in there - but he measured this tissue and gave it a date. (whatever)
So, the instructions were to come back in 10 days.
I went today and viola! No freaking baby. Just a nice, formed, perfectly looking gestational sac, with some "tissue" in there, and no heart tones. Isn't that lovely?
What do you do when you're feet are in stirrups, there are two Dr's in there saying how "Sorry" they were, and giving you miscarriage instructions. No wait! It wasn't miscarriage instructions, it was a "MISSED ABORTION" Isn't that nice? I sure liked that name.
Looks like you have yourself a nice looking empty sac there, Mrs. H. It's beautiful!
(eyeroll)
Well, here are my options. I can have a D&C. (no) I can have a medical miscarriage (Cytotec), or I can wait to see if I M/C naturally. Hmmm... Tough choice. Which one sounds more nice?
(can you read my sarcasm?)
I opted to wait and see - I don't know how long, maybe a week, maybe a few days. Who fucking knows. If nothing happens then I suppose I'll do the stupid "Have a bloody M/C at home and be in tons of pain" I'm terrified of having a D&C. I've never been "under" for anything, and I definitely don't want my first time to be scraping out my uterus.
So here I am. I started this blog to journal this lovely experience - maybe to give any answers to anyone else going in this, maybe to vent, maybe just to write and have fun doing so. I don't know.
I'm not sure if I'm going to TTC again. I've been thinking a lot about this today, don't ask me why I'm even going there - but I can't stop thinking about it.
I hate this. I hate the wondering, the waiting, the what if. I've never had a miscarriage before, and I'm not looking forward to it. On one hand, I want this out of me, I want to be done with this, and on the other, I don't want to have to deal with ANY of it.
I'll keep you posted..... fun times...
So, the instructions were to come back in 10 days.
I went today and viola! No freaking baby. Just a nice, formed, perfectly looking gestational sac, with some "tissue" in there, and no heart tones. Isn't that lovely?
What do you do when you're feet are in stirrups, there are two Dr's in there saying how "Sorry" they were, and giving you miscarriage instructions. No wait! It wasn't miscarriage instructions, it was a "MISSED ABORTION" Isn't that nice? I sure liked that name.
Looks like you have yourself a nice looking empty sac there, Mrs. H. It's beautiful!
(eyeroll)
Well, here are my options. I can have a D&C. (no) I can have a medical miscarriage (Cytotec), or I can wait to see if I M/C naturally. Hmmm... Tough choice. Which one sounds more nice?
(can you read my sarcasm?)
I opted to wait and see - I don't know how long, maybe a week, maybe a few days. Who fucking knows. If nothing happens then I suppose I'll do the stupid "Have a bloody M/C at home and be in tons of pain" I'm terrified of having a D&C. I've never been "under" for anything, and I definitely don't want my first time to be scraping out my uterus.
So here I am. I started this blog to journal this lovely experience - maybe to give any answers to anyone else going in this, maybe to vent, maybe just to write and have fun doing so. I don't know.
I'm not sure if I'm going to TTC again. I've been thinking a lot about this today, don't ask me why I'm even going there - but I can't stop thinking about it.
I hate this. I hate the wondering, the waiting, the what if. I've never had a miscarriage before, and I'm not looking forward to it. On one hand, I want this out of me, I want to be done with this, and on the other, I don't want to have to deal with ANY of it.
I'll keep you posted..... fun times...
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