Weekend, who knows what day I'm on

I gave up keeping track. Just numb still, going between a sliver of hope, to knowing that it's most likely over. I hate this so freaking much.

Here are my beta #'s for the week.

-------------------
52,502
Collected: 9/19/2007 9:32 AM

--------------------------------
51,618 Collected:
9/20/2007 3:42 PM

So, you can see they dropped about 900pts in about 31 hours.

Some things I read go back from Beta #'s stop rising and even start declining from 8-10 weeks. That is what is giving me a tad bit of some hope. I have to have some.

That mixed with the fact my uterus is very tipped and maybe that is why the babe was hiding. I know that isn't much, but it HAS happened, as I saw on misdiagnosedmiscarriage.com
is just having me hold on to something.

TMI they say - well, not in terms of something graphic, but too much information on the Internet can make you crazy. I've not been able to relax since last week, all I can think about is the empty beautiful sac on the u/s screen, and how sorry the Dr. was.

I've been going over in my head ALL weekend cytotec or D&C. I wish I could just suck it up and do the D&C, for a few reasons. It's OVER and done with in a matter of a couple hours, minimal bleeding, and they get it all.

If I take the effing medicine, I could be in horrid pain, might bleed so much I have to go to ER, or better yet, go through tons of bleeding and clots and STILL not pass the darn sac and end up with a D&C anyway.

BUT, the fact that it has worked with 80% of women, gives me hope, that and the fact that it can be done in your home and non-invasive has good things to it.


shit, I just don't know. When I asked my Dr. about the D&C, she said it's up to the anaesthesiologist if they put you out or do twilight. I'd much rather have the latter, I really don't want a tube down my throat. I've never had any surgery (other than a c-sec) and I don't want this to be my first.

gawd, I can't decide - I guess I'm holding on to something for my next and final U/S on Tuesday at 10:50am. I'm so nervous for it. Hoping and praying that my babe was hiding and view was distorted because of my retroverted uterus. maybe... just maybe.

I know the Dr. is going to want my choice, and I don't want to even make such a choice.

I'm tired, sick and tired of this. I was reading this article on M/C and women's choices, they said SO many women end up changing their minds and getting the D&C (who initially said no way) because the wait is so hard. Ideally I'd like to M/C on my own - naturally, with no intervention, but as of now I have no bleeding and no cramping.


fuck!

Ok, if I don't update before Tuesday, I'll do so then.