Not good news :(

It's ok. Before you feel "sorry" for me, It's OK. No wait, I'm ok. Really, truly, seriously. I am. I've had a "bad" feeling since my first u/s on the 4th of sept, and then I've had over a week to deal with a m/c.
The nurse today was soooo cool. You know, she really put things in perspective. She said "you know, I see babies born ALL the time with problems, just look at it as you were lucky and your body knew this wasn't a viable pregnancy"
I agree.

I'm not saying all parents who have special needs kids aren't lucky, just for me - it was the best thing.

So........... we talked about everything. D&C, cytotec, and waiting. I'm kind of crampy, I have been for about 2 days now, SO if all goes well, I'll m/c on my own.
Again, I just think I'm too big of a wuss to have the surgery. I really do. She explained all the risks, what happens, and while I know it's only about a 30min surgery, going "under" is something I just really can't come to deal with. Don't know why, just can't.
I also feel like my body was made to do what it is suppose to do. Eventually m/c this baby (sac)

So, the u/s today I wasn't expecting to see much. And I was right. She found the sac, though not as big and clear as last week. It seemed smaller and pushed to the side ( I think it's because my bladder was full and it was a transvaginal u/s)
She noticed some pockets of blood near the sac, and again - nada in it, even what we saw last time, seems to be gone now - she says my body is starting to re-absorb it.



****************SIGH******************

I'm truly ok. I am, but I know it's not over, and until then, I wont be normal. I just want this behind me, to either TTC again, or not. I just don't know. Honestly, I NEVER want to go through this ever again - ever. I can't imagine. I might just count my blessings and be done with this, even though DH is NOT done. He really wants to try again, and of course, my 7 year old - is dying for a sibling. I think she took this the worst of anyone. :(

So, here I am, I just sent off an email to my Dr. again. I asked her if she still thought I was a good candidate for the cytotec. Sure, I've read some painful stories of women who've used this, but I have to wonder if #1, they used drugs, or #2, they have ever had labor. I have 2 kids, I've had 2 labors. So, really, I can feel pain, and that I'm not afraid of. I'm afraid of either bleeding too much, or something getting "stuck" and then needing a d&c anyway.

Oh well...... life goes on!

I'll update later.