Friday!

Well, today was going to be the BIG CYTOTEC day, BUT -- I have decided to wait, once again a week.
2 days ago, I started having light spotting, rotating from pink to brown, with globs in it (sorry tmi - but then tmi went out the window when this started, didn't it?)
I am having a significant amount of cramping, and I hope so much that bleeding starts, and it isn't that bad. I have such horrible fears, and I hate this. ya' know, it sucks so bad that I'm in this damn situation. It's bad enough to LOSE a baby, but waiting or deciding how it's going to bleed out of you is exhausting!
I was reading a site I found about waiting for a natural m/c, it said something like "You're in for a sad, pathetic horrible wait" On one hand it's true - yes, as you can see from my posts, this isn't fun at ALL, but once you can get on that you've lost the baby, the rest is health/medical stuff. I worry more about my health and the bleeding/pain now than I did for the babe that never was. I hope that doesn't come off as mean, but it's how I feel. I was *so* sad when I lost this baby, the day of, but that week I had to get over it. You don't have a choice when you're in this situation. I refuse to emotionally be attached to this baby. It would be too hard on me.
I don't know what I'm going to do with the things like my 1st u/s pic, or my 11 HPT's that I took that are all flaming positive. That part makes me sad. I have them in this drawer in my kitchen, and yesterday I had to get in there for something, and I caught myself just glancing past them and closing the door pretty fast.

It's weird how time changes things. For the past week I thought I'd be spending today on the couch with 4 cytotec pills in my vagina, waiting for horrid pain and pouring blood. Instead I type here with my laptop on my lap, I have cramping and now I'm waiting for a m/c.
Who knows, I might not start bleeding at all and then use the "pills" this weekend. I swear I'm going to be done with this crap by next weekend one way or the other. I guess the good things about using the pills now, is I know this is coming. Obviously my body wants to expel this, but things are going VERY slow now. In all honesty I have no desire to even google this shit that's going on with me now. I am *SO* done. I'm going to clean my house, I might take my girl out for a bike ride, clean the back yard and act normal.
xoxo,
me