Shit. Shit. Shit!

I'm starting to second guess this damn medicine again. I don't know what is wrong with me, I am scared out of my MIND!
My Dr. called me today, normally I answer my phone all the time, but she called during parent conferences. Great, nice timing! I've been waiting for her call now for 2 days! So, I had to call them back and then now I wait for her to all again. I can't stand Kaiser. They never give you a direct phone number, it's just a basic local line, which you have to press 1 and then 3, and then wait on hold forever, and then finally get to a lady - ONLY to be transferred to the office where your Dr. is located, THEN to be put on hold again.

UGH!!!!
I'm just really freaking myself out. As I've said a zillion times, I'd MUCH rather naturally M/C. I KNOW it can be done, just when it'll happen is an unknown. I mean, wtf did they do before ultrasounds? You'd just eventually have your period and be done with it.
Seems like so many people I talk to are either like "Oh, I'd wait naturally" OR -" The surgery isn't bad at all, I think that would be best" Or - "Oh, that medicine sounds horrible, I don't think I could do that"

I'm SICK OF ALL THIS!
Why can't I just start bleeding?

You know what's ironic? When I first found out I was pg. I had light brown spotting for about a week and a half, and then about 2 days of light pink spotting. Hmmm... My body seemed to know how to spot during a pregnancy THEN. Why can't it do so now? The longer this goes on, I still have some "doubt" that the baby could be alive -- how sick is that? I mean seriously.
With my last pregnancy I bought a baby beat - which is a doppler like they use in the Dr's office. About 2x a week I look for the HB. JUST to make sure. I just can't imagine.......

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~sigh~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I don't like Dr's. I don't like to go to the Dr for ANYTHING, and now I have to do this crap. Frankly it's pissing me off that I have to make this freaking choice. WHY do I have to do this? WHY do I have to make this damn choice? "Surgery or a painful medically induced mini-labor?" Hmmmmm... Which would would YOU choose?

I just wish I wasn't such a big freaking wuss. I keep thinking something horrible is going to happen with this medicine. I should have NEVER passed go from the Dr's office at the time of DX and went home and did the medicine that night, I should have NEVER googled CYTOTEC. SHIT!

I need some serious hand holding. I wish I had a more understanding OB office. Actually, I don't even know if I expressed to her how much I'd like to wait some more. Maybe she would be willing to let me? What am I talking about? LET ME? Um, it's my body and my choice, right?

Anyway, I'll post after she calls me back. Hopefully she'll either talk me into this, or allow me to wait a little while longer. I'm almost tempted to check my cervix to see if it's closed, open - what. Well, I doubt it would be open as I've had no bleeding or spotting.

shit.. shit... shit..

xoxo,
me